Top Ten Best Shows on Television

I like TV. This is the best shit on TV. #getatme (i need twitter.)

10. hardknocks

Every August I get geeked up for the new season of hardknocks. An inside look at an NFL team’s preseason is informative and exciting. I got news a few days ago that this season has been cancelled due to the clowns over at HBO crying about the lockout. Cry me a fucking river bro, how hard is it to make this show? It’s tragic because I love getting inside the minds of the degenerates that fill up NFL rosters (ie cromartie). Honestly how can a college graduate have that much trouble speaking the English language? How does he think he is possibly a “good father figure and husband”?

9. craig ferguson

Craig has a special place in my heart. This past year I watched him every single night. This guy has the best gig on the planet, he gets paid to make a show that no one watches, that doesn’t get advertised, and that has either no guests or ones you haven’t heard of. One night he literally interviewed a robot. No matter how many times I’m disappointed by him, I still come running back for more every single night. You can catch me on Friday nights sprinting home from wherever I am to get my Craig fix true story.

8. Hawaii 5-0

This is a remake of the classic crime thriller set in the most beautiful place on earth, Hawaii. Most of the characters are badass enough to make Van Damme squeamish, the story line is interesting and exciting, but most importantly it provides something to look forward to on Monday nights once football is over.

7. Sportscenter

ESPN’s flagship program has just about everything going for it. Its on live almost 24/7 on the espn family of networks, it has a multitude of smokeshow anchors (looking at you Hannah storm), and the best ads on television. The catch phrases are pretty clutch too, I’ve been known to lets a “pilate’s workin” or “aloha means goodbye” drop every once in a while to this very day (I see you larry beil). Get Michelle Beadle on to anchor and this show is easily number one.

http://www.sportscenteraltar.com/

6. Lets Make A Deal

Lets get one thing straight right off the bat, fuck the price is right. Every single person always talks about how awesome that show is to watch in the morning. Well all of you pricks clearly haven’t done your research or watched much daytime TV. Drew went to a fat farm, lost a shit ton of weight to look slightly less repulsive, and is now the host of that mediocre show. Ill take Wayne Brady on lets make a deal six days a week and twice on Sunday over that Chauncey. First of all everyone on the show has to wear a real vet costume, and then they literally just get given money and have to avoid being tricked. Give me mind games over that stupid game show price is right. Oh and was this a rant? Yes it was, fucking deal with it chief.

5. Turbofire infomercial

So this isn’t technically a show, but because I’ve watched it about 7 times I think it counts. Its this dance workout for milfs that has an hour long infomercial. The awesome part is the fact that there are bodybuilding workout-a-holic six pack having smoke bombs all over the tv the entire time. My penis gets confused not knowing if I should be turned on, or terrified for my life. Couple this with a great soundtrack, and its go time for this guy. Does it say something about my intelligence that I always get sucked into watching infomercials?

4. Cops reruns

Classic show that’s on G4 almost all day (yeah that’s right I have premium cable bitches). It shows 90’s police work south of the mason Dixon line at its finest. The cases are absurd, the calls are uncomfortably anticlimactic (you literally never see any action just the aftermath), and every episode leads to the question, can cops really do that shit?

3. Entourage

Entourage is a legitimate contender for the greatest series ever on television. The show is funnier than a pack of hyiennas (and those vicious little guys are always laughing), but still communicates a compelling story line. And that’s just were it starts, because it shows the life that we all dream of living complete with an extra large dose of half naked broads. So the next time you’re channeling your inner Ari Gold during an argument remember to give a quick thanks to Marky Mark.

2. Judge Joe Brown

If there is one thing that the chrispness likes, its daytime TV. Everyday around 9 am its ready to start comforting my damaged emotional state. Judge Joe pulls in at number two because he is the king of all daytime TV shows. Were Judge Judy is a bitch, he is a wise old black sage, dispensing knowledge as well as judgment. It also helps that none of the cases are over anything significant, and the only word appropriate to describe 70 percent of the people involved in disputes is “ignorant”. No word of a lie I would do terrible things to get on this show. If anyone has a good scheme to get on here let me know, ill split the 10 dollars in profits with you.

1. Orelilly factor

You might think this is a surprising first choice, but if you think about it, it isn’t. It’s the most watched news program in the country, but not because people actually like the psychopath that is Bill Oreilly. The reason is because it is a great show for fundamentally all groups of people. Angry democrats get to complain about him being backwards and bigoted. Old people and angry republicans can complain that the world is going to shit. Cam’ron can complain that Bill hates his way of life. Moral of the story is that people generally love a reason to bitch and moan, and this ugly ass white curtain Irishman gives us a reason.

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July 27, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Most Annoying Sounds

Here are some noises that don’t exactly serenade you gracefully to sleep. (And no the dumb and dumber sound doesn’t make it) Peep the list

Honorable Mention: screw squeaking into wall

worst place to hear: construction site (do you actually hear this anywhere else?)

Nothing is worse than being woken up by “home improvement” as your next door neighbor/parent tries to install some new shelving at 7:30. Worst part of the entire sound is the drill spooling up, followed by the deafening squeak.

10.  dog barking

worst place to hear: glue factory, animal shelter, quiet neighborhood.

Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. Greatest companions in the world. But when a couple of these guys get together and decide to have a conversation across the neighborhood and they can turn a pleasant afternoon of yardwork into a living nightmare.

9. water dripping

worst place to hear: third world country prison

there is a reason why those bastards in china decided to torture people with this shit. The sound is painful.

8. coughing

worst places to hear Class. Elevator. Work. Church. Anywhere.

This sound brings with it the fear of disease, which for a hypochondriac like myself is actually the worst part. It’s like death calling me with threats of tuberculosis/consumption/black plague.

Sneakily the worst place to hear coughing is work. Because you know that in about 5 minutes you have no choice but to shake hands with that person and get infected with whatever flesh eating disease they have.

7. mouth breathing

worst place to hear: class, bedroom.

Its not quite snoring, just incredibly loud breathing. The kind of breathing the big bad wolf had to do to blow the house in. And the girl/guy that you just brought home for the night huffing and puffing right into your ear. So now you can’t sleep, and the night ticks by in the slowest imaginable manner as you keep checking your phone hoping its morning. Or you could just grow a pair and kick them out but we all know I don’t deal with “situations”.

6. jack hammering

worst place to hear: anywhere you are trying to sleep

This is a sound that anyone who has lived in a city has had to deal with. The public works department decides to work on the sewer directly outside your window between the hours of 11 PM and 5 AM just to ensure that you will not sleep.

5. car alarm

worst place to hear: gone in sixty seconds

all you need to hear is the dane cook segment. Also aren’t car alarms a little superfluous? Like whenever I accidentally hit the panic button, I stand next to my car with the alarm going off for like 5 minutes trying to figure it out, and no one says shit. So if some chauncey was stealing my car, no one would notice either. Dumbest invention.

4. baby crying

worst places to hear: Church. Movies.

I think this sound is actually hard wired into humans to make us uncomfortable so that we fix whatever is wrong with the kid. Good thing to make theyre parents feel. Shitty for everyone else stuck listening to a meltdown tantrum that’s just trying to enjoy a movie

3. nails on a chalkboard

worst place to hear: how often does this actually happen? Where are there even CHALK boards anymore?

This is actually the first track on the mix CD I made for sex. It basically just sets the mood off right for a disappointing and mildly annoying evening. True story. Stereotypically horrifying sound gets a stereotypically high rank. Sue me.

2. pen clicking

worst place to hear: Sitting in class,

that mouth breathing, 4.0 gpa wannabe doctor know it all is huffing away clicking his pen for the entire 90 minute lecture. Like Chinese water torture, the longer he takes between clicks, the more you NEED to hear one more. Its one of those sounds that once you notice you can’t stop hearing.

1. chris tucker’s voice

worst place to hear: any action / “comedy” movie

OH HELLL NO. i would rather be subjected to all of the prior sounds at once than have to hold a conversation with chris tucker.

best of and by that they mean the worst assault on your ear drums from rush hour movies.

July 14, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

Top ten worst things about summer jobs

Over here at TTBG we are all slaving away at various summer jobs that in their own way could each be considered a form of torture. But hey that hurricaine high gravity isn’t going to buy itself now is it? Here are the top ten reasons why having a summer job sucks

10. Interviews
After slaving away over a resume, bullshit cover letter, and filling out the exact same information on 70 job and internship applications you finally get called in for an interview. A solid 40 percent of the time at the interview is spent going over the exact information on your application and resume. The other 60 you have to spend pretending like you give a shit about whatever job you are trying to get. This is especially difficult when you are supposed to convince someone that a career at yankee candle has been a dream of yours for years
9. Work related “injuries”
These come in all shapes and sizes. If you’re stuck copying data into excel all day, you end up with carpal tunnel, a sore neck, bad posture, obesity, type two diabetes, and terrible eyesight. On the other hand, factory labor or construction jobs lead to destroyed backs, tobacco addictions, and possibly a lost limb. Seems like a lose-lose to me. Unless you end up in retail, then your only real injury is probably from being assaulted by the fat bitch trying to get to the sale at Lane Bryant.
8. Your Boss dropped out of 10th grade
As college students we are used to dealing with some pretty fucking intelligent people on a day to day basis. Then, when you get thrust out into the work world for the summer you deal with the bottom ten percent of society. As summer help, you are thrown under the tutelage of the lowest man on the totem pole at the business. My best experience was last summer at a t-shirt factory, where my boss dropped out of school in the 10th grade, and made three times as much as I did. Seems like my education is really taking me far.
7. Boring / not challenging
Show me an exciting and challenging summer job and ill suck your dick so fast it will make your head spin. With the exception of seasonal jobs in landscaping or tourism, there is a reason why your position only exists for 3 months out of the year, because it isn’t fucking important. This means that either your job shouldn’t even exist at all because it isn’t necessary, or, even worse, its such a shit position that they can’t find anyone to do it year round.
6. Bad hours
Here is another one where you’re fucked either way. If you work normal adult hours, you miss all of the sun during the day, and are stuck fighting a brutal commute (see 5). If you work evenings, you’re fucked because all of your friends work during the day and you miss out seeing them at night. This happened to me and I have become a solitary, nocturnal creature.
5. Commute
Every day millions of Americans want to blow their brains out as they sit in gridlock traffic driving to work. Its like adding insult to injury doing something you hate (sitting in traffic) to go to do something you hate (selling candles). Lucky us, for 3 months out of the year college students get a taste of what being middle aged and hopeless is like. Kind of makes me want to either a. find a sugar mama or b. just become a homeless wino.
4. Drug tests
An alarmingly high number of summer jobs make you submit a urine sample these days. This brings the question, does it really fucking matter if I’ve been smoking weed? Is being high sometime in the last month really going to interfere with my ability to cut grass / sell candles / crunch numbers? Fuck no. And spare me that crap about trying to find the “good kids” for jobs by doing this. That cocksucker that won’t break the rules isn’t nearly edgy enough to sell as many large “midsummer night” scented candles as this guy.
3. Co workers
If taken with the right attitude, this is actually the best part about a summer job. As I have said before, at summer jobs you are subjected to the bottom ten percent of the American population. This leads to some hilarious situations, and if you can refrain from killing them due to their ineptitude / disgusting personal habits, you might be able to laugh a few years down the road. Below is an actual video of a couple clowns I work with. True story. this summer

2. Being hung over at work
There is no worse feeling in the entire world then having a raging headache, a stomach in knots, and eight hours of physical labor to look forward to. This means that your summer job takes not only the hours you have at work away from you, but also the night before.
1. Low /no pay
I can hear adults right now “be thankful in this economy that you got any job at all.” Fuck that. I make 8.55 an hour and only work part time. How the fuck am I supposed to pay for gas for a 35 minute commute, and a 30 every other night to try and make myself forget my miserable existence?

The moral of this story is, all school year long you think of how nice its going to be to be able to fuck off and not do school work all summer. Then it gets here and is the most anticlimactic time ever, filled with boring jobs, Chauncey coworkers, no money, and a painful commute.

June 24, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

Top 30 “This Is SportsCenter” Commercials

After a short hiatus to do some outside research and scouting for the summer, I’ve decided to get back to making some lists.

As it is with most people obsessed with sports, Sportscenter is the go-to show that never lets you down. Whether its waking up or getting home from work, SportsCenter can be counted on to give you scores and highlights.

Part of the entire act is to deliver sports with an edge, an edge that is mostly comedic. The “This is SportsCenter” idea has boundless amounts of possibilities, and SportsCenter has tapped into this resource to create innovative and hysterical commercials.

Since there are so many good ones and it’s impossible to narrow it down to 10, I had to make it 30.

30. “Pairings”

Best Part: Dan Patrick’s awkward rambling.

29. “The Closer”

Best Part: Once again, Dan Patrick steals the show with his facial expression that puts Kenny Mayne out for sure.

28. “Shirt Giveaway”

Best Part: John Anderson’s catch is outstanding. The gator clamp.

27. “Freebies for Federer”

Best Part: “I dunno if they’re any good or not”

26. “Buffer”

Best Part: The announcer’s nicknames

25. Expansion Draft

Best Part: Talking about Anderson being protected.

24. “Rain Delay”

Best Part: I just bought a video camera myself

23.  “Cookout Pinata”

Best Part: Gotta love Muresan

22. “Summit”

Best Part: Volunteer Joke

21. “Company Counselor”

Best Part: “But you gotta carry alotta water”

20. “Cutest Guys”

Best Part: Van Pelt’s initial reaction to Number 2

19. “PA Life”

Best Part: “Nice try” sequence

18. “Clouds”

Best Part: Mutombo

17.  “Diversity”

Best Part: “Don’t Touch me”

16.  “Corner Men”

Best Part: “Dont be a lollipop”

15. “Rock Paper Scissors Shoot”

Best Part: Mascot shakes him off on the 2 outta 3.

14. “Spitball”

Best Part: Keyboard sequence

13.  “Y2K”

Best Part: Charlie Steiner

12.  “melo”

Best Part: “Any socks that I can borrow?”

11.  “Running of the Brats”

Best Part: Is it fun? No

10.  “Betrayal”

Best Part: Ortiz’s facial hair

9.  “Going Out”

Best Part: Deacon’s first look up from the paper

8.  “Steroids”

Best Part: Unhand rapscallion

7. “Perfect Show”

Best Part: The ump making the double negative call

6.  “Sweet Science”

Best Part: Bob Ley

5.  “Old Timers” (another classic one with George Mikan)

Best Part: “You’re not listening”

4.  “Sampras”

Best Part: Lunch lady announcing the price

3.  “Soccer”

Best Part: Brush by

2.  “Brett Favre System”

Best Part: Ripping on Favre

1. “Palmer”

Best Part: Entire thing

Notable Omissions: New Jersey Devils, Mr. Met

18

19.

June 23, 2011. Jads. Leave a comment.

Top 10 Worst Roommate Traits

Its always a tricky deal having to live with someone, especially freshman year when that person is probably a complete stranger. Here are the ten worst characteristics a roommate can have.

10. Not paying for alcohol

"let me get you next week"

Booze is a necessary expense of college. It costs probably around 100 dollars a month to drink effectively. But if your room mate is always pawning your alcohol, “borrowing” shots here and there, or just plain stealing a beer for later, these costs can skyrocket. The worst part is its really hard to confront a room mate about this, because you have to live with the prick for at least another few months. You need to avoid making him angry at all costs, because remember he has full access to all of your personal stuff.

9. Neat Freak

my dream room. true story

This is one that probably sneaks up on you. At first you think that its going to be great and this guy will just keep the room clean for you at all times. But after about a week the passive aggressive sticky notes start popping up around the room reminding you of chores you “need” to complete. This OCD motherfucker won’t give you five seconds of peace to wallow in your own filth.

8. Tobacco Addiction

Pick your poison here, literally. Smokers smell like dick, have no money and therefore probably don’t pay for anything else, and to make matters worse will probably burn your dorm down with careless ashtrays fashioned out of your sheets. As bad as that sounds, a room mate that chews is probably even worse. The spitting sounds. The precariously left half full cups of dip juice just waiting to spill all over your valuables, and possibly worst, when this room mate gets drunk he just spits all over the floor and or your belongings.

7. Incompatible Schedules

If you and your roommate have opposite schedules, literally everything is impossible. You can’t get any alone time because they just show up out of nowhere. They wake you up at night / in the morning when they come and go, and there is never anyone in your room that automatically has to hang out with you. This one has fucked me many times before, and is probably the reason for my solitary existence (that or my habit of drooling everywhere. Either way. Jokes.)

6. Being a Noner / Bringing nothing

if this guy had a single...

Your dorm room is your home during the school year. You need a fair amount of fairly expensive stuff, including an xbox, tv, speakers, various chargers, fridge, and some furniture. This shit can get pricy, but usually it’s no big deal between two people. The worst is the roommate that brings nothing, and then abuses the shit out of and breaks all of your stuff.

5. Lack of Hygiene

This one sounds like it’s just a mild annoyance, a roomie that just doesn’t smell great. But sneakily it gets far worse. They leave their smelly ass clothes / aura all over the room, and no matter what you are doing you can’t escape the smell, and anyone who comes over blames it on you.

4. Dealing Drugs

So at first this seems like an awesome roommate trait, free drugs 24/7. But after about a week you realize the plethora of issues. First of all instant access to getting fucked up all of the time means your productivity is going out the window. Toss on top of that risks of drug busts and getting blamed for his shit and you realize that the honeymoon was over before it began.

3. Masturbation Addiction

There's an O face

All guys do it. We love it. We need it. I’m sure all of us have at some point in time been caught by our roommates. Its awkward as hell but that one time is never really a big deal. There’s just the unspoken rule about being more careful next time. Once you exceed walking in on him twice, it starts being a problem.

2. Snoring

You just pulled an all nighter. You’re trying to sneakily have sex in your double. But no. Your asshole room mate is sawing wood louder than don vito. This one is sneakily one of the most annoying traits of all, because it might not bother you all the time, but not being able to sleep is one of the worst feelings in my opinion.

1. Being Me

Typical tuesday morning at the chrispness residence

This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise but I am literally the worst roommate in the history of man. I possess all of the previous traits in spades. I leave half used spitters everywhere. I’m literally masturbating 70 percent of the time that I’m awake. Last time that I showered was during the cold war. If you think I’m kidding ask one of the 4 roommates I have had in the last 2 years. They all hate me. Literally wish I were dead. They won’t even talk about half of the things they have seen

 

June 14, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Worst Seasons In Pro Sports

Luckily, here in New England we haven’t been plagued by any horribly embarrassing seasons, just years of general disappointment. In this list you will find the ten worst seasons in the history of professional sports. Feel free to complain that this list has a bunch of expansion teams on it, stats don’t lie bro a shitty season is still a shitty season.

10. 1962 New York Mets

This team is a little bit before my time, but their story has been passed down in Baseball lore. As bad and mismanaged as the Mets have been recently, its easy to forget that the Met’s struggles go back a generation. In their first year in the league they posted an impressively bad 40-120 record. They posted a team ERA over 5 which was worst in the NL, and a team BA of .240, also basement in the NL. They also gave up nearly 1,000 runs. shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that they hold the record for most losses in a modern season. With such a bright future and storied past, the Mets must be due for a good season right?

9. 2003 Detroit Tigers

A good way to make this list is losing more that 110 games in a baseball season. They had a 43-119 record. This team even had the likes of Dmitri Young and Brandon Inge, certifiable all stars. A team ERA of 5.13 certainly didn’t help things.

8. 1998 Denver Nuggets

Gave up over 100 ppg. Scored less than 90 ppg. 11-71 record. 23 game losing streak. At least Elway and the Broncos were good enough in 1998 to make up for this travesty. I guess Chauncey Billups and ex URI star Tyson Wheeler couldn’t get it done.

7. 1993 Sharks

San Jose… It doesn’t surprise me that they’re on this list. SJ doesn’t strike me as a logical location for a hockey powerhouse. The real reason they made the list is the fact that they played in a stadium called the Cow Palace. Enough said. The team played like shit, played in a place named after somewhere that smells like shit.

6. 1960 Dallas Cowboys

How about them cowboys? How about 0-11-1. Major problem here was probably the fact that all time NFL great Don Merredith (granted it was early in his career) was backing up some clown Eddie LaBaron. Have you noticed the trend yet? Expansion teams suck.

5. 1973 76’ers

They won 9 games. In a basketball season. That adds up to a .110 winning percentage. I guess even in the 70’s it was tough to have a good basketball season without any stars.

4. 1975 Washington Capitals

Here is yet another failure expansion season. By the numbers they were 8-67-5. They only won ONE game on the road. Oh and six goals a game on average means Bernie Wolf and Ron Low had one of the worst seasons by any keep in hockey history.

3. 2008 Detroit Lions

No excuses here besides rampant mismanagement by the Ford family, and years of drafting wide receivers instead of interior lineman and a franchise qb (sorry joey harrington). Going winless in the modern NFL when the mantra is “any given sunday” is no easy feat. This team sticks out in everyone’s mind as the paradigm of ineptitude in modern sports.

2. 1976 Bucs

Two more winless NFL franchises in the top 3. The real reason I put them on the list is another excuse to talk about what an awesome mascot Bucco Bruce is. How often during a football game do you feel like you’re being seduced by the opposing mascot? exactly what i thought. Game set match. or 0-14. either way.

1. 1899 Cleveland Spiders

Even grandpa Chrispness wasn’t around to see these chaunceys parading around Cleveland and their 145 fans per game. They went 20-134. Their record is just the tip of the iceburg. In 1899 the owners purchased a second franchise, the  St. Louis Perfectos (do I smell a top ten worst team names blog?). Feeling that St. Louis was a more viable market, the owners sent all of the Spiders’ good players over to the Perfectos, meaning that Cleveland was playing with a short roster of mens league softball players. True story. Basically the replacements except in the MLB. Richmond should be embarrassed to share a mascot.

June 13, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

top ten most misogynistic rap songs

1.)Hey Mister by Kool G Rap
This songs tops the list of most misogynistic rap songs of all time. Basically G rap showing how he handles his business. This song is descriptive enough to give Bobby Brown a stiffy.

2.)KIM by Eminem- Listen to the song. I can write no more.

3.) No endz No  Skinz by Big L. First off, R.I.P. to the punch line king of the under ground. L really dissects it in this one.

4.)Cunt Renaissance RA The Rugged Man ft Notorious B.I.G. I dont know if the C word…… fuck it ill just say cunt, has ever been used so casually. Smalls chucks this common euphemism around like its frisbee in the park. And I can only say one word about RA and thats DIRT.  Plenty of misogyny in this one. Simone De Beauvoir rolls in her grave.

5.) I get Around – 2pac. Yea we all know Pac got around, its no secret. On this track Pac touches a note that all men care about….diversity. Pac cant be held down by just one or two, he’s gotta have them all.

6.) Bitches Aint Shit- Dr. Dre and Snoop Dog. With out a shred of ambiguity Dre posits that all that females are nothing but liar’s, cheaters, sexual deviants. Whether you agree or not, the misogyny used by these g funk legends earns them a number 6 spot.

7.)We Some Dogs- Method Man ft Red Man- “Bitch ya fucking with a dog. All I wanna do is burry some bones”, goes the first line in the song. This could be taken as Meth making a claim about human nature, that “we just some dogs”. Red does dirt on this track per usual, with more than a hint of misogyny .

8.)MOVE BITCH- Ludacris. Nothing like telling someone to get the fuck out of your way. Few people could articulate a statement to women like ludacris and his boy mystical.

9.) Shake Ya Ass- Mystikal. If misogynony is all about objectifying women than Mystikal takes the cake on this joint. “I came up with my dick in my hand, dont make e leave with my foot in your ass……….be cool”

10.) Excitable Boy- Warren Zevon. Now I know what your thinking, Warren Zevon is not a rapper but a deceased folk singer. To this I say… yes he is. But excitable boy deserves to crack the list even though it is not a rap song simply because of the boy in the song. This guy not only rubs a pot roast on his chest but then subsequently murders his junior prom date and builds a cage from her bones. Now if that doesnt deserve a spot then I dont know what does.

Hopefully toptenforgentlemen is below the radar of partners against domestic abuse, other wise I anticipate some emails, but anyone stupid enough to think that we are glorifying misogyny can go fuck themselves…. and then listen to excitable boy on repeat for 5 hours.

June 8, 2011. peebscrilla. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Qualities of a Hipster by Jadams

After spending a Memorial Day weekend in Williamsburg, the Mecca for Hipsters, I have OD’ed on hipsters. Everywhere you look, you see the skinny jeans and constant use of Iphones. I almost got run 4 times by irresponsible hipster bikers.

I don’t have a hate for hipsters, but they are a rare breed that are easy to classify. This list takes a stab at profiling a stereotypical hipster.

Fedoras and mustanches

 

10.   Name Dropping/ Recommended strictly “Obscure” people 

A typical hipster conversation requires a Rosetta Stone and the wikipedia page for Obscure people. Whether it’s authors, fashion people, or bands, a hipster is strapped with his/her “go-to” arsenal of obscurity. It’s a rite of passage and initiation to try and one up a fellow hipster with an obscure reference or recommendation on who to read or listen to. The conversation are so saturated with references that the convo’s need a cryptologist to decipher its meaning.

 

9.   Organic Coffee

Nothing better than French Pressing a local coffee shop’s organic blend. Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts are not obscure enough and are products from mega-corporations who are sucking the money away from the hipster cafe. Even though it costs more, organic coffee is a staple in a hipster’s home. A genius business idea would be to start a skinny jean store that sold organic coffee. The coffee bags must be bio-degradable and must come from  a place that has some sort of witty/ironic coffee or organic pun in its name.

 

8.   Buy Wine and Pretend to have wisdom on its origin and what other hipsters drink it.

I must admit, I am a rookie when it comes to wine. Other than a casual Franzia session, I will not buy wine. I stick to the essentials. When it comes to drinking, a hipster loves buying wine to show off at a hipster seance or gathering. Hipsters will warm you up by offering you a glass, but this is a deadly move. Clear your calendar for the next 20 minutes. A hipster will pretend that he has a profound knowledge about the wine and will make obscure references to the type of grapes, the year, etc. After phase 1 is completed, they will go on to tell you which other hipsters have gotten red lips from that wine.

7.    Closet DubStep Listener

This has become a recent development. In the world of obscure music, Dubstep is encroaching on hipsters’ musical turf.  A hipster will bash Dubstep for its lack of musical ingenuity, but when no one is around, a hipster will blast Dubstep.

There are many reasons for this trend, but I have deduced that hipsters need to know the most current trends to make obscure name drops and battle Dubstep enthusiasts in trivial music debates. A hipster cannot sacrifice his or her leverage in musical obscurity.

6.    Denouncing any technology that isn’t not made by Apple.

A hipster loves his or her technology, but nothing meets their standards more than a good Apple product. Covering in obscure music labels and bands, a hipster’s Macbook is a major sense of pride. It’s a symbol of musical knowledge and the latest hipster trends.

A hipster is constantly reconfiguring his or  her Iphone and making sure he or she has the latest obscure Apps.

5.    Having a very specific taste in food.

Every hipster knows their favorite cafe and restaurants. It’s all about relating to other hipsters by giving food tips. It would be baffling to find an Emeril cookbook in a hipster abode. Most of the time, the food is organic and includes small portions and weird combinations.

I actually like talking food with hipsters. I get introduced to new vet foods. At a certain point though, making arguments for veggie/turkey burgers is mind-boggling.

4.     Read Pitchfork religiously

To keep up on the latest obscure trends, a hipster refers to Pitchfork as a gospel. Hipsters litter facebook with pitchfork articles. I actually like Pitchfork, but it’s not my only source of music news. To become a hipster, you must take an oath of the Pitchfork. From that point on, whatever bands are on pitchfork make the cut for his or her musical taste.

3.    Love MGMT

3 years ago, MGMT hit the hipster world. Everyone was blasting Kids, Electric Feel, and other legendary songs. College parties could not go 4 songs without a hipster changing it to an MGMT jam. Inevitably, the MGMT remixes came. This latest craze rejuvenated hipsters would were starting to stray from MGMT because it was becoming to popular. In 2008-2009, a hipsters ITunes (I can guarnsheed) had at least 3 MGMT songs in their top 25.

 

2.    Talking about Abroad (Europe)

A hipster’s classic story-telling manuever is talking about abroad. “This one time abroad I stayed at the cutest little hostel in prague/Berlin.” Oh my god, I would go back to Europe in a second. The people there are so hipster and obscure. I drank so many dark beers and drank obscure wine in the morning.

I’m actually really cool with the hipster quality. I love a good story and hipsters love to talk about abroad because they all went abroad.

 

1.      Rocking Fedoras

Fedoras are actually real vet. Walk into a hipster gathering of 30 or more and I guarnsheed there will be about a baker’s dozen of fedoras. On the subway, every car has a requirement of at least 4 fedoras. Especially with the warm weather coming, fedoras will be popping.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 30, 2011. Jads. 1 comment.

Top Ten Ways to Waste 100 Bucks

So I won 100 bucks on the Preakness a few weeks ago. I know absolutely nothing about horses or horse racing, but due to complete dumb luck this guy made bank. Now I’m usually pretty responsible when it comes to money but found money is just burning a hole in my pocket right now. I’m planning on absolutely wasting every penny of it on indulgent vices. Here are the top ten ways I could think of (and by top ten I mean just ten various ways to blow cash)

When blowing money its important to keep in mind the asshole factor of whatever you are doing, because isn’t that the point of wasting gratuitous amounts of money?

10. One bottle of alcohol

Nothing says “asshole” like the dickhead walking around the party sipping a bottle of Hennessey handing out free shots like some sort of alcoholic santa clause. Because really, after 10 shots who can taste the difference between Hen and the admiral nelson. That said this is still a great way to waste 100 bucks.

9. Various drugs

looks like fun

This one is an absolute no brainer. Everyone loves the guy who has gratuitous amounts of drugs. You can either share them or use them all for yourself (the far more economically savvy option). A true vet wouldn’t even think twice about this one.

8. jenna haze lotus fleshlight (80 plus s+h)

which hole do you prefer? a plastic one duh

This badboy will costs you 80 bucks plus discreet shipping and handling. But why ever masturbate again when you could just have “sex” with a plastic vagina? Now that they come modeled after your favorite adult celebrity, these things are selling like hotcakes.

7. 5 morning after pills

one plan b omlette coming up

At colleges Plan B is going to run you a solid 20 bucks. Now the real vet move here is just to burn the bridge and refuse to pay / deny you even know the poor girl. But if you have a soul and don’t want to be murdered by a group of broads this could be a solid investment.

6. A half keg

Beer is great. Beer in bulk is better. This one actually is pretty solid because you could probably make your money back by having a party and selling cups. But realistically we know that won’t happen, and this thing will just get guzzled by 100 thirsty freshman in about 10 minutes. So this is a true waste of 100 scrillions.

5. make it rain at strip club

This one gets serious asshole bonus points. First of all 100 bucks isn’t even much to make it rain with, you just look like a broke ass pacman jones. Oh wait he’s probably broke as shit by now too. Check out some classic pacman jokes: http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/03/vocabulary-lessons-with-pacman.html

4. Puppy (technically free but this asshole will cost you in the long run)

Nothing makes you happier than a puppy. Nothing loves you more than a puppy. Dogs are the best animal in the world and I dare anyone to tell me otherwise. Thing gives you more love than your mother without the nagging. Only downside is this asshole will cost you thousands in the long run. These costs are possibly offset by the number of girls that the thing will attract.

3. 25 gallons of gasoline to huff

As gas prices skyrocket, one of the fastest growing drug epidemics is becoming increasingly hard to support. Id be stoked as hell to toss out 100 quid for some gas to huff. We all know im down for random dancing.

2. 6 month subscription to bangbros (3 month is is 49.95)

If you’re anything like me then your favorite hobbies are drinking alone and watching tv alone. This means that you don’t have a girlfriend. Bangbros is like all the sex you could have with your girlfriend without needing to do anything. Except yanking it is nothing really like sex. And why pay for bangbros when xnxx.com exists? But anyway this is a pretty quality way to blow 100 bucks.

1. one cigar

Arturo Fuente Opus X “A” – $99.00 A huge powerhouse of a cigar at 9.2 inches long and a 43 ring gauge, and one of the rarest in the world to boot. ”

Literally burning 100 bucks. Giving yourself cancer. Smelling like dick. True waste of 100 bucks here this really a pretty obvious pick.

May 30, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

Top 10 Biggest Clowns in “The Wire” by Shea

HBO specializes in good characterization. Their producers continually find talent and hire writers and directors that can really get you relating to people on the show without even thinking about it. But, when a show has a thick and intricate masterpiece of a plot like theirs, for every vet character you see either in a squad car, the corner or on a barstool chatting it up with Dolores, there are also your clowns. Idiots, rooks, clowns, mouses even chaunceys. Whatever you want to call them they exist even in the greatest show on television.

10. Renaldo (Omar’s Mexi-bitch)

Omar's Sloppy 3rds

As if we had had enough of Omar’s multi-cultural sex life scenes, starting in season 4 they introduce his third slave Renaldo. All this character does is drive Omar around in the cab and mutter at least 6 “Aye Poppyyyy” and “¿Que paso?” while continually maintaining an accent almost annoying as the little Puerto Rican chick in White Man Can’t Jump. His only upside was he rolls deep in cousins for muscle situations. Kind of reminds me of a Napoleon Dynomite situation.

9. Frog

A minor character (couldn’t even find a picture) but major clown. Season 2 eastside dealer near the docks, talks like what South Park characterized as a typical heat fan.

Frog is first class Wigger/Wankster, decked out in Fubu and you can barely hear a word he says. He would get eaten alive in the Pit or the Fayette Ave. corners.

8. Jay Landsman

A gut for all seasons

Aside from when Kima gets shot, I literally never see Landsman lift a finger when it comes to actual detective work. He preaches his clearance rate and sucks the tit of Rawls. Too much of a bitch to step up and break the rules McNulty style, but too much of a fat chauncy to get promoted up the chain. Guess that just leaves him his massive order of curly fries and his pornos. I do admit that rocking the old school porn magazines are hilarious especially blatantly during work.

7. De’londa Brice

The bigger the O, the bigger the ho

As Bodie said, this lady is a straight up “Dragon Lady”. She doesn’t lift a finger yet feeds of Wee-Bey’s due from the Barksdale’s (until Brianna steps up on her). After  she gets back from Atlantic City she bitches her own son out for not being man enough to go baby booking lock-up. It takes a savage bitch like her to be able to hang with a G like Bey. Don’t know where Namon got his bitch gene because both of his parents are fierce. Only difference is one is Soldering up 24/7 and the other is making my 80 year old Nana look like busy bee.

6. Old Face Andre

Rocking Polos

This guy gets shit on by everyone he interacts with. Omar robs him without breaking a sweat. Marlo shits on his lame begging excuses, and what he thought was his saving grace Prop Joe sells him back to Marlo when he tried to run from Baltimore. Old Face Andre is what you define as a first class loser in everything he does, including his taste in hats.

5. Scott (Sun Reporter)

"Ahh Scott? My office." -Gus

One of the biggest bullshitting self-improvers in the show, and that is saying something considering the final 3 seasons all have politicians would into the plot. When he comes into identify the cereal killer that doesn’t exist, McNulty chews him out harder that Rawls at a Comstat meeting when the annual murder count is approaching 300. Scott is always shitting on the Bmore Sun, yet fabricating stories for a shot at a Pulitzer. Even though I didn’t enjoy the season 5 “media aspect” of Baltimore, this guy’s idiot level naturally had me siding with the vet Gus and rooting against Scott. The part that seals the viewers’ distaste for this character is the final montage in season 5 shows him actually winning a Pulitzer for his made up shit. As they say in Twitter: smh

4. Herc

Dumb Guido

I don’t care what people say, I fucking hate Herc. He shows absolutely no police talent whatsoever, and made his career talking in on a blowjob. Not saying I wouldn’t ride that to the top, but Herc continually blows every small assignment and shows the intellectual capacity of Mr. Prez’s homeroom. All the meanwhile he’s tapping his sergeant stripes likes he actually earned something. His only redeeming moment is when he cops undercover from Frog with his toothpick routine. The description clown isn’t even enough of an insult for someone as retarded as Herc.

3. Johnny Weeks

Bangs city

Actually thought this was being played by an actually retarded actor during season 1. There wasn’t one scene in that season where he wasn’t doping hard, and, coupled with the way talks, I was actually led to believe he was supposed to be that retarded. Like the show wanted to give some insight as to how not just regular fiends, but retarded and autistic fiends got by. But no. This dude is not retarded, just an idiot. This may sound insensitive but I was happy to see him turn up dead when they plowed Hamsterdam.

Rawl’s line should have been “Let the rats feast on this tard.”

2. Orlando

"Got that New Orleans connect"

Where to start? Well go no further that appearance. His hairstyle is mind boggling. If my job was to run a strip club I would look fresh to death in front of my girls in case they want a piece. Secondly, his decision to get in the game is also a sign he needs to see a head doctor. How can you be stupid enough to go behind Avon’s back and then start snitching? This guy was a ticking time-bomb as the season went on, and after Kima got got because of him, well, he simply jumped the list in Wire idiots.

All but our #1 clown on HBO’s hit series “The Wire”…….

1. Ziggy Sobotka

Where's his duck?

Zig is a picture perfect story of a son who simply is a disappointment. He fails in literally everything he does (aside from a healthy dong size). His father Frank has nothing to be proud of. He can’t work as a stevedore because he’s about as jacked as Duquan “Dukie” Weems. He fails on the corner by fucking up packages, and he has no sense of place when trying to do business with the Greeks.  Not to mention the kid looks full blown emo. Must have been a hell of a teenage phase in the Sobotka house. Nicky knocking up his girl, Frank greasing politicians, and meanwhile Ziggy is upstairs cutting himself and tattooing his name to his knuckles. I have never seen someone fail harder than Ziggy in anything I have encountered. First class clown.

May 27, 2011. Shea. Leave a comment.

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