Top Ten Qualities of a Hipster by Jadams

After spending a Memorial Day weekend in Williamsburg, the Mecca for Hipsters, I have OD’ed on hipsters. Everywhere you look, you see the skinny jeans and constant use of Iphones. I almost got run 4 times by irresponsible hipster bikers.

I don’t have a hate for hipsters, but they are a rare breed that are easy to classify. This list takes a stab at profiling a stereotypical hipster.

Fedoras and mustanches

 

10.   Name Dropping/ Recommended strictly “Obscure” people 

A typical hipster conversation requires a Rosetta Stone and the wikipedia page for Obscure people. Whether it’s authors, fashion people, or bands, a hipster is strapped with his/her “go-to” arsenal of obscurity. It’s a rite of passage and initiation to try and one up a fellow hipster with an obscure reference or recommendation on who to read or listen to. The conversation are so saturated with references that the convo’s need a cryptologist to decipher its meaning.

 

9.   Organic Coffee

Nothing better than French Pressing a local coffee shop’s organic blend. Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts are not obscure enough and are products from mega-corporations who are sucking the money away from the hipster cafe. Even though it costs more, organic coffee is a staple in a hipster’s home. A genius business idea would be to start a skinny jean store that sold organic coffee. The coffee bags must be bio-degradable and must come from  a place that has some sort of witty/ironic coffee or organic pun in its name.

 

8.   Buy Wine and Pretend to have wisdom on its origin and what other hipsters drink it.

I must admit, I am a rookie when it comes to wine. Other than a casual Franzia session, I will not buy wine. I stick to the essentials. When it comes to drinking, a hipster loves buying wine to show off at a hipster seance or gathering. Hipsters will warm you up by offering you a glass, but this is a deadly move. Clear your calendar for the next 20 minutes. A hipster will pretend that he has a profound knowledge about the wine and will make obscure references to the type of grapes, the year, etc. After phase 1 is completed, they will go on to tell you which other hipsters have gotten red lips from that wine.

7.    Closet DubStep Listener

This has become a recent development. In the world of obscure music, Dubstep is encroaching on hipsters’ musical turf.  A hipster will bash Dubstep for its lack of musical ingenuity, but when no one is around, a hipster will blast Dubstep.

There are many reasons for this trend, but I have deduced that hipsters need to know the most current trends to make obscure name drops and battle Dubstep enthusiasts in trivial music debates. A hipster cannot sacrifice his or her leverage in musical obscurity.

6.    Denouncing any technology that isn’t not made by Apple.

A hipster loves his or her technology, but nothing meets their standards more than a good Apple product. Covering in obscure music labels and bands, a hipster’s Macbook is a major sense of pride. It’s a symbol of musical knowledge and the latest hipster trends.

A hipster is constantly reconfiguring his or  her Iphone and making sure he or she has the latest obscure Apps.

5.    Having a very specific taste in food.

Every hipster knows their favorite cafe and restaurants. It’s all about relating to other hipsters by giving food tips. It would be baffling to find an Emeril cookbook in a hipster abode. Most of the time, the food is organic and includes small portions and weird combinations.

I actually like talking food with hipsters. I get introduced to new vet foods. At a certain point though, making arguments for veggie/turkey burgers is mind-boggling.

4.     Read Pitchfork religiously

To keep up on the latest obscure trends, a hipster refers to Pitchfork as a gospel. Hipsters litter facebook with pitchfork articles. I actually like Pitchfork, but it’s not my only source of music news. To become a hipster, you must take an oath of the Pitchfork. From that point on, whatever bands are on pitchfork make the cut for his or her musical taste.

3.    Love MGMT

3 years ago, MGMT hit the hipster world. Everyone was blasting Kids, Electric Feel, and other legendary songs. College parties could not go 4 songs without a hipster changing it to an MGMT jam. Inevitably, the MGMT remixes came. This latest craze rejuvenated hipsters would were starting to stray from MGMT because it was becoming to popular. In 2008-2009, a hipsters ITunes (I can guarnsheed) had at least 3 MGMT songs in their top 25.

 

2.    Talking about Abroad (Europe)

A hipster’s classic story-telling manuever is talking about abroad. “This one time abroad I stayed at the cutest little hostel in prague/Berlin.” Oh my god, I would go back to Europe in a second. The people there are so hipster and obscure. I drank so many dark beers and drank obscure wine in the morning.

I’m actually really cool with the hipster quality. I love a good story and hipsters love to talk about abroad because they all went abroad.

 

1.      Rocking Fedoras

Fedoras are actually real vet. Walk into a hipster gathering of 30 or more and I guarnsheed there will be about a baker’s dozen of fedoras. On the subway, every car has a requirement of at least 4 fedoras. Especially with the warm weather coming, fedoras will be popping.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

May 30, 2011. Jads. 1 comment.

Top Ten Ways to Waste 100 Bucks

So I won 100 bucks on the Preakness a few weeks ago. I know absolutely nothing about horses or horse racing, but due to complete dumb luck this guy made bank. Now I’m usually pretty responsible when it comes to money but found money is just burning a hole in my pocket right now. I’m planning on absolutely wasting every penny of it on indulgent vices. Here are the top ten ways I could think of (and by top ten I mean just ten various ways to blow cash)

When blowing money its important to keep in mind the asshole factor of whatever you are doing, because isn’t that the point of wasting gratuitous amounts of money?

10. One bottle of alcohol

Nothing says “asshole” like the dickhead walking around the party sipping a bottle of Hennessey handing out free shots like some sort of alcoholic santa clause. Because really, after 10 shots who can taste the difference between Hen and the admiral nelson. That said this is still a great way to waste 100 bucks.

9. Various drugs

looks like fun

This one is an absolute no brainer. Everyone loves the guy who has gratuitous amounts of drugs. You can either share them or use them all for yourself (the far more economically savvy option). A true vet wouldn’t even think twice about this one.

8. jenna haze lotus fleshlight (80 plus s+h)

which hole do you prefer? a plastic one duh

This badboy will costs you 80 bucks plus discreet shipping and handling. But why ever masturbate again when you could just have “sex” with a plastic vagina? Now that they come modeled after your favorite adult celebrity, these things are selling like hotcakes.

7. 5 morning after pills

one plan b omlette coming up

At colleges Plan B is going to run you a solid 20 bucks. Now the real vet move here is just to burn the bridge and refuse to pay / deny you even know the poor girl. But if you have a soul and don’t want to be murdered by a group of broads this could be a solid investment.

6. A half keg

Beer is great. Beer in bulk is better. This one actually is pretty solid because you could probably make your money back by having a party and selling cups. But realistically we know that won’t happen, and this thing will just get guzzled by 100 thirsty freshman in about 10 minutes. So this is a true waste of 100 scrillions.

5. make it rain at strip club

This one gets serious asshole bonus points. First of all 100 bucks isn’t even much to make it rain with, you just look like a broke ass pacman jones. Oh wait he’s probably broke as shit by now too. Check out some classic pacman jokes: http://kissingsuzykolber.uproxx.com/2007/03/vocabulary-lessons-with-pacman.html

4. Puppy (technically free but this asshole will cost you in the long run)

Nothing makes you happier than a puppy. Nothing loves you more than a puppy. Dogs are the best animal in the world and I dare anyone to tell me otherwise. Thing gives you more love than your mother without the nagging. Only downside is this asshole will cost you thousands in the long run. These costs are possibly offset by the number of girls that the thing will attract.

3. 25 gallons of gasoline to huff

As gas prices skyrocket, one of the fastest growing drug epidemics is becoming increasingly hard to support. Id be stoked as hell to toss out 100 quid for some gas to huff. We all know im down for random dancing.

2. 6 month subscription to bangbros (3 month is is 49.95)

If you’re anything like me then your favorite hobbies are drinking alone and watching tv alone. This means that you don’t have a girlfriend. Bangbros is like all the sex you could have with your girlfriend without needing to do anything. Except yanking it is nothing really like sex. And why pay for bangbros when xnxx.com exists? But anyway this is a pretty quality way to blow 100 bucks.

1. one cigar

Arturo Fuente Opus X “A” – $99.00 A huge powerhouse of a cigar at 9.2 inches long and a 43 ring gauge, and one of the rarest in the world to boot. ”

Literally burning 100 bucks. Giving yourself cancer. Smelling like dick. True waste of 100 bucks here this really a pretty obvious pick.

May 30, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

Top 10 Biggest Clowns in “The Wire” by Shea

HBO specializes in good characterization. Their producers continually find talent and hire writers and directors that can really get you relating to people on the show without even thinking about it. But, when a show has a thick and intricate masterpiece of a plot like theirs, for every vet character you see either in a squad car, the corner or on a barstool chatting it up with Dolores, there are also your clowns. Idiots, rooks, clowns, mouses even chaunceys. Whatever you want to call them they exist even in the greatest show on television.

10. Renaldo (Omar’s Mexi-bitch)

Omar's Sloppy 3rds

As if we had had enough of Omar’s multi-cultural sex life scenes, starting in season 4 they introduce his third slave Renaldo. All this character does is drive Omar around in the cab and mutter at least 6 “Aye Poppyyyy” and “¿Que paso?” while continually maintaining an accent almost annoying as the little Puerto Rican chick in White Man Can’t Jump. His only upside was he rolls deep in cousins for muscle situations. Kind of reminds me of a Napoleon Dynomite situation.

9. Frog

A minor character (couldn’t even find a picture) but major clown. Season 2 eastside dealer near the docks, talks like what South Park characterized as a typical heat fan.

Frog is first class Wigger/Wankster, decked out in Fubu and you can barely hear a word he says. He would get eaten alive in the Pit or the Fayette Ave. corners.

8. Jay Landsman

A gut for all seasons

Aside from when Kima gets shot, I literally never see Landsman lift a finger when it comes to actual detective work. He preaches his clearance rate and sucks the tit of Rawls. Too much of a bitch to step up and break the rules McNulty style, but too much of a fat chauncy to get promoted up the chain. Guess that just leaves him his massive order of curly fries and his pornos. I do admit that rocking the old school porn magazines are hilarious especially blatantly during work.

7. De’londa Brice

The bigger the O, the bigger the ho

As Bodie said, this lady is a straight up “Dragon Lady”. She doesn’t lift a finger yet feeds of Wee-Bey’s due from the Barksdale’s (until Brianna steps up on her). After  she gets back from Atlantic City she bitches her own son out for not being man enough to go baby booking lock-up. It takes a savage bitch like her to be able to hang with a G like Bey. Don’t know where Namon got his bitch gene because both of his parents are fierce. Only difference is one is Soldering up 24/7 and the other is making my 80 year old Nana look like busy bee.

6. Old Face Andre

Rocking Polos

This guy gets shit on by everyone he interacts with. Omar robs him without breaking a sweat. Marlo shits on his lame begging excuses, and what he thought was his saving grace Prop Joe sells him back to Marlo when he tried to run from Baltimore. Old Face Andre is what you define as a first class loser in everything he does, including his taste in hats.

5. Scott (Sun Reporter)

"Ahh Scott? My office." -Gus

One of the biggest bullshitting self-improvers in the show, and that is saying something considering the final 3 seasons all have politicians would into the plot. When he comes into identify the cereal killer that doesn’t exist, McNulty chews him out harder that Rawls at a Comstat meeting when the annual murder count is approaching 300. Scott is always shitting on the Bmore Sun, yet fabricating stories for a shot at a Pulitzer. Even though I didn’t enjoy the season 5 “media aspect” of Baltimore, this guy’s idiot level naturally had me siding with the vet Gus and rooting against Scott. The part that seals the viewers’ distaste for this character is the final montage in season 5 shows him actually winning a Pulitzer for his made up shit. As they say in Twitter: smh

4. Herc

Dumb Guido

I don’t care what people say, I fucking hate Herc. He shows absolutely no police talent whatsoever, and made his career talking in on a blowjob. Not saying I wouldn’t ride that to the top, but Herc continually blows every small assignment and shows the intellectual capacity of Mr. Prez’s homeroom. All the meanwhile he’s tapping his sergeant stripes likes he actually earned something. His only redeeming moment is when he cops undercover from Frog with his toothpick routine. The description clown isn’t even enough of an insult for someone as retarded as Herc.

3. Johnny Weeks

Bangs city

Actually thought this was being played by an actually retarded actor during season 1. There wasn’t one scene in that season where he wasn’t doping hard, and, coupled with the way talks, I was actually led to believe he was supposed to be that retarded. Like the show wanted to give some insight as to how not just regular fiends, but retarded and autistic fiends got by. But no. This dude is not retarded, just an idiot. This may sound insensitive but I was happy to see him turn up dead when they plowed Hamsterdam.

Rawl’s line should have been “Let the rats feast on this tard.”

2. Orlando

"Got that New Orleans connect"

Where to start? Well go no further that appearance. His hairstyle is mind boggling. If my job was to run a strip club I would look fresh to death in front of my girls in case they want a piece. Secondly, his decision to get in the game is also a sign he needs to see a head doctor. How can you be stupid enough to go behind Avon’s back and then start snitching? This guy was a ticking time-bomb as the season went on, and after Kima got got because of him, well, he simply jumped the list in Wire idiots.

All but our #1 clown on HBO’s hit series “The Wire”…….

1. Ziggy Sobotka

Where's his duck?

Zig is a picture perfect story of a son who simply is a disappointment. He fails in literally everything he does (aside from a healthy dong size). His father Frank has nothing to be proud of. He can’t work as a stevedore because he’s about as jacked as Duquan “Dukie” Weems. He fails on the corner by fucking up packages, and he has no sense of place when trying to do business with the Greeks.  Not to mention the kid looks full blown emo. Must have been a hell of a teenage phase in the Sobotka house. Nicky knocking up his girl, Frank greasing politicians, and meanwhile Ziggy is upstairs cutting himself and tattooing his name to his knuckles. I have never seen someone fail harder than Ziggy in anything I have encountered. First class clown.

May 27, 2011. Shea. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Strategies to find/maintain a drunk after 12:30 A.M. by Jadams

I understand that at big party schools, parties can last for a long time. Well, at Bates, parties last until midnight, and usually at that point, shit gets weird. I think I could receive my Ph.D in scavenging and maintaining a solid buzz/drunk after the party ends. At this point, it’s everyman for themselves. Booze is hard to come by. I have successfully altered the system enough to get free beers, shots, and other beverages at times when some think the Prohibition is going on still.

Nobody wants to be this kid. 12:30 and about to pass out, B

Here are the best strategies:

10. Find “that” Girl

This leads off the list because it a quite the cirucmstantial routine.  We all know girls drink like bitches. Sometimes, true vets are able to exploit this weakness. But a potential problem arises because we know that girls buy alcohol in packs. To effectively eliminate this problem:

Try and hook up with the girl you know is in charge of the “Stash.” The stash is most likely going to be a half empty Smirnoff or Wine Bottle. These girls are easy to take alcohol from, especially if you need that extra burst to suck face and bounce. (My signature technique). I recommend this for one night flings only. Girls could catch your scent and hector (the rejector) you the next time around. It is also risky because you could hurt potential future hook-ups so try and find the “stash” when it is the beatest girl in the rotation.

9.     Find “that” Guy hoarding nice liquor

We all know that kid who flaunts a nice, aged licour that his Dad gave to him when he went to college. Most of the time this liquor taste like shit, and the dude is going to be frugal with giving it away. These kids are always a little stuck-up (guys that like to buy classy 12’s and the non-cheapest booze). To obtain the booze from him you need to :

1. Attack with other fellow vets. Nothing worse than peer pressure. Include him in on the night’s joke, ask him about his night. Be friendly but not his bitch. When the time comes, feast. The window is normally short for the opportunity so plan accordingly.

8.   Sleep Deprivation/Taking Meds

Sometimes you need to prepare for a heavy night of drinking by pre-gaming the pre-game. This could be staying up til 6 on a night before you go out, or you can take the short cut and take meds that multiply your drunkeness. This way, by the time the party ends you are so fucked up, you don’t need anymore. This is fairly risky (Not a technique I use a lot). Also, not something you want to share with others at the party.

7.     Hang out with a new crew

I seem to specialize in this technique. At the end of the night, a simple 10 minute wander into foreign grounds could be the secret to success. Target people a grade younger than you. They will probably have seen your face before. All it takes is a warm heart and the ability to relate to other people. By gaining many instantaneous friendships, you win the right to ask for booze. If you make/crash a party with 10 new friends, at least one will be enough of your boy to give you some drinks. I mean, people love a new face, especially when they tell corny jokes after 12:30.

6.      Check Fridges

This may seem a little out of hand, but when you’re drunk enough and want more, nothing is easier. If you have to be kind of sly andkeep your head on a swivel. Random fridges are always the best bet, but the best excuse at a crowded party that is clearly out is  saying “my friend lives here.” Fridges are a scavengers best friend (for food purposes as well). Rando beers are common and this place is a goldmine.

5.     Buy booze with weaker drinkers

Here is another techinque that should be exercised when dealer with younger kids. The only problem is, younger kids have the tendency to give a shit about money and quantity. Try and buy booze with kids that are going to clearly be your bitch for the night. This provides you the opportunity to get real hammered and to stay hammered after the party ends. Worst comes to worst, it can hold you off and buys you time to employ other techniques.

4.      Do Stupid Challenges/Bets for Booze

This is a great way to impress people and get free booze. It is one way to warm up to #9 (that guy).  Bets are normally stupid and involve a lot of drinking at one time. If booze does not a reward, then find something funny to do. (Get Papa Johns naked, rig beerhunter etc…. ). This will at least gain respect and a reputation so that people will admire your antics and reward you with booze.

3.    Overbuy

I know this seems likes common sense, but college-aged drinker need to think like Walmart executives. You need to buy in bulk and overrbuy to make sure you have enough booze for the night. Enough with buying a 12. Buy a 30s. Enough with chaunceys buying a liter, buy a handle.  A new technique adopted by myself and my crew has been buying a “warm up 12.” Buy the monster things of Jack Daniels instead of the smaller bottle. Odds are, you will be drinking it down the line. It also helps you save money.

2.       Avoid Santa Claus Syndrome/ Find Santa Claus

Santa Claus Syndrome can be deadly to a man’s night. The only time it is excusable is before 10 and to vets and girls only. (preferrably good looking). When you start giving out beers just for the sake of it, your booze stats can dwindle severely. Make sure to keep your beers in a safe container where they are not open to the visible eye. Nothing worse than seeing yourself get less that 50 percent than what you bargained for.

On the flipside, find Santa Clauses. I like to think of it as patience and knowing the game. You don’t want to routinely be involved or mooch off the same Santa Claus. Mix it up, but also look at your scouting reports. This involves offering to buy for other people when you go on a run. That way, they are subconsciously grateful and feel the need to repay you. What better way than to sit on his (probably not a her) and make him your Santa Claus.

1.         Wounded Soldiers

This is normally an act of desperation, but the most consistent way to find booze late night. Parties are normally ripe with wounded guys, so swallow your bravado and indulge. You can easily skim a good 3 to 4 beers in a matter of minutes. All it takes is some dedication and a good stomach.


May 26, 2011. Jads. 2 comments.

Top Ten NFL Helmets by Chrispness

Over the years most NFL franchises have had some pretty serious changes to their helmet designs. Maybe these wouldn’t be as crispy if teams hadn’t changed their designs, but these are still some fresh looking lids. Here are the ten best helmets in NFL history

10. 81-96 Houston Oilers

Powder blue: generally underutilized color

This is a classic helmet from the oilers before they pussied out of the astrodome and moved to Nashville. It was donned by some of the NFL’s all time greats like Earl Campbell and Warren Moon as they tore up their division in the 80s . This is a classic helmet with a logo thats pure swag.

9. 69-72 Eagles

Silver helmet with green wings. Enough said. If the Eagles coupled this dome with their current uniforms, I think teams might forfeit out of intimidation. Desean Jackson could break the land speed record wearing this one. The league might have actually outlawed this one due to the unfair advantage it would give.

8. 56 Colts

The logo is on the back. Its so simple, but so ingenious. I honestly can’t think of another time where the logo has been exclusively on the back of the helmet. This look makes the white helmets look even cleaner, and with the classically simple (and unchanged) uniforms of the Colts this helmet looked like pure fire.

7. 90-00 Falcons

Falcons started rocking this lid just before drafting Favre in 91. It was a staunch change from their previous red helmets with a black stripe and logo. With this helmet and an alternate jersey the falcons could have had a dope blackout uniform. But even with traditional red jerseys this helmet is pretty badass.

6. 76 Cowboys

Red white and blue domes for Americas Team. Just the slightest of changes for the bicentennial, and the head honcho in charge of uniform design for the cowboys struck gold. (seriously otherwise the dude has one of the easiest jobs in sports… ‘boys have had the same uniform since the 60 when they joined as an expansion team).

5. 74-83 Bills

fastest looking buffalo out there

This is the uniform that superstar in rent-a-car OJ Simpson just destroyed the entire AFC wearing (if you don’t know that ad campaign its marketing gold). Jim Kelly also snuck in on the tail end of this helmet in 83. The standing buffalo helmet was lame. The red helmets are pussy in comparison. This is one of the few good things ever to befall the Bills organization (4 lost super bowls doesn’t count)

4. Pre 1996 Bucs

This 76 expansion team just exploded onto the scene rocking a gay jack sparrow on their orange helmets. The dude’s name is officially “bucco Bruce”, which literally sounds like the name of the prostitute I hired last night (wait what did I say that out loud?) But in all seriousness while this helmet wasn’t scaring anyone away it looks straight cash homey.

3. 60-62 Texans

Before the original Texans were from Houston (and were on their first expansion), they sneakily had the cleverest helmet in the game. Want to know where you are? Want to know who you’re playing? Boom its right in front if your fucking face with a detailed map.

2. Patriots until 1992

Does anyone really like that new elvis looking logo more than pat patriot? Pat patriot belongs to that almost lost era of Narragansett lager, Geno Cappelletti and John Hannah. I love brady and welker, bruschi and the rest as much as the next guy but they would look fresher for sure rocking a pat patriot logo.

1. 61-73 chargers

Some helmets have logos on the side. Some have numbers. This one has both.

May 25, 2011. Anonymous. Leave a comment.

Fresh Rap from Tavonne and Crew

Here is a fresh rap by a true vet and member of Top Ten by Gentlemen, Tavonne

May 23, 2011. Tavonne. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Items That You Can Easily Get for Free by Jadams

We all hear people talking about how rough the economy is and with the prices at the gas pump, every penny needs to be saved. Many available items can easily be obtained free of charge with some skillfully planning and slight thievery.

This list is meant to impart some wisdom and open up doors for strategies to get these things without paying a penny.

How do you think this guy got rich?

10.        Coffee

Current Price for a Pound of Coffee at Dunkin Donuts: $7.99

This may seem like a no-brainer, but coffee is very easy to get for free. The best places to target our hotels, doctor’s offices, and fast food joints that have machines that are not monitored. I, in particular, prefer fast food places (Duchess is the best, only in CT), but hotel lobbies are a great spot as well. The trick is, bring your own mug. When no one is looking, there is no line, or simply in broad daylight, bring your own coffee mug to one of these places on your way to work or when you need it the most. Fill up there and even take the pleasure of using their cream and sugar. Don’t have a mug, no problem. Most fast joints will give you a free water cup, so you can simply use the free water cup as a way to get free coffee (See later post for better use).

9.     Bottles and Cans

This may seem like a bum move, but it can be an effective way to make nothing into something. Especially in college when beer cans litter dorm rooms and halls, cans can easily amount to quick easy money. I would also recommend using gloves or hand protection when dealing with alcoholic beverages. An easy storage unit is finding a durable box or even a trash bag.

In college, (Bates) target freshman dorms where kids are most likely trying to get rid of their evidence to avoid trouble. But you can even start a collection bin in your own room or house. Do not throw them away and watch the nickels pour into your empty wallets. Think of it this way: You pay an extra 1.50 for every 30 you buy. Based on yourself and one buddy, you go through approx. 2 30s a weekend. In one month that is already 12 bucks just by yourself. If you pool in with 2 other people, thats 24 bucks a month.

Essentially, for every 16 30’s you drink thats 1 free plus so change and thats from your own money. Bottom line, thats additional 10-12 30s a year that you get for free.

With a little thievery as well, keg shells are 30 dollars for return. Sneak into a frat house or a big party the day after the crime and you can make an extra 60 bucks right there.

FOR BATES KIDS: Don’t want to go through the hassle of putting the cans through that stupid machine? Go to Rooper’s. They count the cans for you so you don’t have to do it yourself. They take keg shells from you on command and it is a very simple process. Remember hard alcohol and wine bottles go for 15 cents a pop so keep your eye out for those as well.

8.     Be Smart with Your Purchases, Use available pennies.

We can all admit that change is very useless. It lingers in your pocket. Nothing is better than having cold hard dolla bills. Save the change from your transactions but also make full use of the take a penny leave a penny syndrome. Make full use of the small change like a purchase of 3.07 and take all the pennies from the location. Its much better to have 2 dollars (5 dollar bill) or not have to use that extra buck.

7.    Pens and Pencils

The amount of money spent of pens and pencils is uncalled for in my opinion. Banks and other shops always have free ones or writing implements that can easily be taken advantage of. Another technique is to keep the pen after signing a check or receipt. This may seem petty, but it is a great way to ensure you always have a pen on hand. Nobody wants to be that guy always asking for pens in class. From a nice place, it could be a way to snipe a banging pen that could be your go-to for a while.

6.    Infamous Soda Cup Routine/ Stealing cups

Like in the coffee case, you can save big at fast food joints by just asking for a water cup or bringing your own cup there. It’s a simple thing everyone tends to forget. Now, a true camoflauging technique is to acquire a cup from each fast food place. It is basically an insurance policy in case the scene gets hot, wires get tapped, all that nonsense. Water cups are normally small, but are always a good back up plan to get that free soda.

Another great manuever is stealing cups from restaurants or bars. Clean cups are sometimes hard to come by, so an easy way to collect dozens of souvenirs is to take from bars when they aren’t looking. Its always good to have a chick as a wingman because of their purse, but from restaurants it could be easy as sliding it into your pants or coat. (It’s a good idea to bring baggy pants, a coat with a good, deep inside pocket, and wear a belt).

5.       Stealing food/beer (technically speaking)

Big house parties are usually goldmines, but sometimes tricky to pull off with such large crowds. Stealing quality food items may be hard to come by, but its a solid opportunity to pick up some free grub (as long as they aren’t your friends). You just have to keep your head on a swivel at all times.

On the same lines, this next move is for vets only. At a supermarket, go to the check out aisle, check out, but make sure not to bag everything. Say to the clerk that you forgot something (like solo cups), return to the store (before exiting) with the same cart. You know have reins to pick up a couple small items without anybody noticing. A 30 in this case might be excessive. Duplicate an item you already have in the cart. Let’s say pick up a 12 of Natty Ice originally and pick up another while you are on your post-trip throughout the store. This must be plotted out secretly (most of the time cups are near the beer) so time is sometimes of the essence to make it believable. Simply return to the checkout aisle (Same one as before) and hand the clerk the item you said you were getting (cups). They will not check the rest of your already, non bagged items, so anything added in will blend in with other items. You walk out the door with some free beer or other misc. items.

4.         Lost and Found

Lost and Found areas are like tag sales. They are great ways to find those items that you need but do not want to pay anything for. I recommend libraries and gyms. Say you’ve lost something or simply go through the stuff. Just make sure to stay away from personalized objects or something with names. You can only play this manuever occasionally, but you can swipe some filler items for nothing.

3.       Movie Tickets

This depends a lot on the venue, but sneaking into movies is a relatively easy job. You can always bring old movie stubs to fool the people checking out your tickets. That or go through the exit aisle. Your head needs to be on a swivel, but with good (or even average timing) you can get in for free. Worst-case scenario, you pull the bathroom excuse.  Nonetheless, movie tickets are 10, 11 a pop. Don’t make that mistake again. (Bring in candy and other items as well).

If you really feel like shelling out money and you are in a large group, have one person buy a ticket, then have him or her let the rest of the crew in through the exit in the front. Nobody checks this and you minimize the cost of movies that would be slapped on a group by only paying for one ticket.

2.         Movies/Music/Youtube

This is not original in the slightest, but this is a no-brainer. You do the direct way, use torrents. Just download Vuze or another torrent app. This takes up memory, but most of the downloads are reliable and won’t get you viruses (Especially for Macs).

Another great option is using a YouTube to mp3 converter. Save that dollar from Itunes or however you pay for music. There are plenty of sites that hook it up and convert YouTube URL’s into mp3 for Itunes. This, however, can lead to viruses.

The best technique is to go to the library. You can get CDs and DVDS for free. All you have to do is upload them onto to your computer then return them. Many libraries have a lot of options and can be an easy way to pick up free music.

For movies, Netflix on demand is great. Just borrow somebody’s username and password. That, or simply create a group account. It has everything and is certainly a great investment.

1.     Phone Chargers

Phone chargers are very easy to lose, we’ve all done it. When staying at a hotel, just claim you have lost your charger or need to borrow it at the front desk. Many times, the receptionist will give you one for free. Just pocket it. To avoid problems, ask a different recpetionist for the charger than when you check out, just in case the wily vet calls you out for not returning it.

Note: These may seem stupid, well-known, or risky. To save money, however, just using some of these could easily cut expenses.

May 23, 2011. Jads. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Dunkers of All-Time by Jadams

With recent rise of Blake Griffin and his numerous appearances on SportsCenter’s Top Ten, great dunkers have gotten more respect. There is nothing more exhillarating in sports than a thunderous jam or an incrdible alley-oop. That said, dunking has long been considered an art. Some critics enjoy a small guy (Spud Webb or Nate Robinson) because of their in-flight acrobatics while others tend to love the frequency and power of big men (Shaq, Dwigth Howard and others).

In this list, I would like to balance the two elements together that justifies the two attributes. Also, many of the legendary dunkers existed before Gus Johnson and viral YouTube videos. Anyway, here is my take on the best dunkers to ever lace shoes up.

Honorable Mention:

Because ten is such a limiting number, here are some dunkers who barely missed my list:

Dominque Wilkins

He has a powerful style and has one of the best two handed jams I have ever seen. He even has a great haircut and a popular throwback jersey. A legendary 80s dunker.

T-Mac

Tracy Mcgrady has faded into a category of NBA players who simply don’t deserved big contracts for their performances on the court. T-Mac, however, ruled the court in his heyday. Who can forget his early Magic days where he came out of nowhere to make a couple of playoffs (as 8 or 7 seeds). He won a scoring title and also had a great pair of shoes that every 8 or 9th grader owned. Who knows what he could have done if he and Grant Hill were healthy at the same time. Like Grant, his career has been rattled by injuries. Would the Magic ended up with Dwight Howard, though, if those 2 were healthy?

Anyway, here are some highlights.

Rudy Gay:

Excuse me for my UCOnn bias, but every time Rudy is on a breakaway I get out of my seat. He can do is classic one-handed dunkachino or go two hands in traffic. A great finesse dunker with a lot of swag. (Just look at his dunk on Scola)

Josh Smith:

He is a great all around athlete. He can be found among the top leaders in every statistical category. His versatility and long frame make him an ideal defender and fast break finisher. My only grievance is his lack of stylistic approach. He only does the one-handed left jam. It looks good, but it won’t land you in the top ten.

Blake Griffin:

Sorry Blake but one year of dominance cannot push you past seasoned all-time greats. Sure, what you did was incredible, but your dunk over the car was nothing to sneeze at. Also, you won Rookie of the Year in your second year. You have a bright future, but for now, your just an honorable mention.

J-Rich

Personally, I think he is one of the best alley-oop dunkers. He can catch it, contort, and throw it down reverse. He has impressed mightily in the dunk contests. But, Lebron did block you when you tried a 360 (and he’s from Michigan State). A great breakaway dunker.

Kobe

It’s very difficult to not put Kobe in, but he has lost some of his early dunking abilities. He certainly was a force in his early days, but now I feel he is less aggressive. His dunk against the Knicks is one my favorites and when he had the fro going, his 360s were awesome. I do love his n64 video game NBA courtside. With so many greats, I had to leave him out.

Now the list

10.        Darryl Dawkins

The term “rim-rattler” was invented by Mr. Dawkins. His power took the league by storm. In my opinion, he revolutionized the power slam. He broke many backboards and was afraid of no one. Number 7 and Number 2 on the following list, best represent his dunking style.

9.          Shawn Kemp

Kemp deserved a T after every dunk. I love his post-dunk celebrations. He had power, charisma, and hangtime . The Kemp jersey is a popular throwback jersey and for good reason. I love his style, haircut, and simply because he played with Detlemp Schrempf. He did a lot with his legs in the air and could jump over anyone. He was pretty overrated in his day and I feel like it due to his impressive leaping abilites + attitude. It’s too bad he screwed up his otherwise promising career.

8.     Clyde Drexler

The Glide definitely deserved his nickname. He had endless hangtime and looked so smooth. He his legacy was highly underrated and had great natural talent. He is another popular throwback jersey. I love his style and grace. A “classy dunker” in my books. Some of the greatest windmills and one-handers, he bodied up longer defenders and had plenty of facials.

7.        Shaq

My favorite NBA personality, Shaq is one of the best centers in NBA history. He has rings, scoring titles, and has the imposing frame of any big man in history. In high school, he showed off some finesse, but in the NBA he was known for power (and his free throw shooting ability). He also tore down the rim and probably has the most dunks in NBA history. He has kind of been a chauncey later in his career, posting minimal minutes. The dude just needs to retire. Nevertheless, an astounding dunker.

6.      Lebron

Lebron is a freak athlete but an idiot off the court. The Decision is a shame to all lovers of sports. Nonetheless, he has a great dunking style. He is afraid of no one and can finish with both hands. It’s hard to argue his prowess and knack for being in the right place at the right time. Like the rest of the sports world, I hope he chokes in his championship bid this year.

5.      David Thompson

This is where the list gets hard. I must, however, pay tribute to another great early dunker. Thompson represented the ABA and NBA and has a great natural talent. He could score from everywhere (including a 71 point explosion). I love his style and grace. He is forgotten in the world of dunking, but there is a reason why he is number 5.  He touched the top of the backboard as well. Also, another great throwback jersey purchase. An artisan of the tip slam and reverse dunk.

4.   Dwight Howard

The dude is an absolute man-child. Before it all said and done, he will probably retire as the leader of dunks in NBA history. No one can compete with his length and athleticism. If he can smell the rim, he is flushing it. I only wish that he would keep his blocks in play. He is a defensive force and probably will win another 3 or 4 defensive players of the year. He is ferocious, but not a great scorer. Sure he puts 20, but has a very limited skill set and cannot shoot very well. I would like to see him drive more and adapt a more useful hook shot. An untouchable athlete though

3.      MJ

Not much too say here. I personally don’t like the asshole, but he is undoubtedly the greatest player ever. I hate his Hall of Fame acceptance speech, but what else can you expect from a great competitor. I did love it when he choked in the all-star game on a one-handed attempt when he was with the Wizards. He was a specialist at owning Patrick Chewing,  Enjoy:

2.     DR. J

He was the original SportsCenter dunker. I love his style and ability to change directions in the air. He was fearless and could cradle the ball like no other. Another great throwback jersey buy. He won some rings and could also score. He also produced Jen Capriati, a tennis dime. Dr. J was a dunker before his time and made the dunk to be the highlight play that it is today.

and finally

1.       Vince Carter

His various array of dunks make him the best dunker of all time. He could do anything. Vince could power slam in traffic, do mindmills in traffic, could 360 in traffic and could catch any alley-oop. On the breakaway, the possibilities were endless. In the dunk contest he produced timeless flushes and very original takes on the 360’s. The best dunk of all time is by far his dunk over the Knicks 15th overall draft pick  the legendary Frederick Weis. Words cannot explain his athelticsm and dunking capabilites.

Here it is, the best dunker of all-time, Vinsanity

May 23, 2011. Jads. Leave a comment.

Top 10 On the Air Meltdowns by Shea

To preface this list, I went for a nice medley between interview freak outs, full on fluster sessions, and just plain old people blowing it. Some you’ve seen and some not, but this list will make the Japan reactor meltdowns look like nothing.

10. Leaf Me Alone

I put this short meltdown in for some key reasons. First off he’s not even getting the formal interview in front of the stage, it’s just a joe shmoe by his locker with a pen and pad. Secondly this guy clearly has the maturity of a 12 year old if his teammates need to be running over and restraining him. As if he’s gunna pull out a gun or something.

This is the same guy who is arguable the biggest bust of all-time (another list for another day). In his rookie year he threw 2 TD’s and 15 INT’s with a 39.0 passer rating (8 fumbles to boot). Guess the reporter read him his stats or something.

9. Chris Berman

This is the kind rant that you know he rehearsed in his head and just was smacking his lips waiting for someone to fuck up. I clocked 5 on the “Jesus” count. He had some classic rant tactics too in this. The “whole hearted” apology mid rant (33 seconds) to go with the “I actually cant believe what I just saw” (53 seconds). Boomer you old dog, where Tom Jackson to chill you out when you need him.

8. Ms. Teen South Carolina

Well, I personally believe that this is simply too easy to rip apart. It’s simply overwhelming the amount of material to touch base on. Can we start with the fact that she says “US Americans”. What other kind did you have in mind. And I’m pretty sure most of South Africa is a first world country. Yeah it’s not perfect , but you’re trying to lump em in with Iraq? Danny Archer would be furious.

7. Mike Gundy

Mike Gundy. Man of the players. This wasn’t even meltdown til about 1:20. He really was making a good point until he insisted the reporters knew his age to a tee. I’m surprised he didn’t whip out his birth certificate as exhibit A. The man did get love at the end with his “Makes me want to puke” one liner, followed by applause? When do we see that at the end of a meltdown. Only from a vet like Gundy.

6. Jim Rome/Everett

Rome pulled a Peyton Manning with the “Check that” at the line of scrimmage. Props to Everett though, even though he should have knocked him out. Did more damage to the table. But Rome does have some balls on him I’ll give him that.

5. Matt Damon on Jimmy Kimmell

This got the #5 spot because you really never see a guy of Damon’s composure freak like he did. Especially to a chump like Kimmel. Well apparently he fucked Sarah Silverman who was Kimmel’s girlfriend at the time in response. Don’t know why a clown like Kimmel would war with a vet like Damon.

4. Boom Goes the Dynomite

Flustered – Verb: to put into a state of agitated confusion: His constant criticism flustered me.

One of my favorite moments is when he mouths “I’m so sorry” into the camera (1:20). Really just a savage meltdown here. He saved himself from the #1 spot with his signature “Boom goes the dynomite”. Everyone needs a trademark. The pronunciations of the AP all american team are priceless.

3. Denny Green

Three quick questions coach Green.

1. Who were they?

2. Did you happen to crown them?

3. And finally, did you or did you not let them off the hook?

My favorite part of our #3 meltdown is not just the amazing exit, but Grossman’s stats run on the bottom line during the interview. 14-37, 148yds and 4 INT’s. That’s Charlie Sheen’s new definition of Winning.

2.  No name stroke reporter

No it was not a stroke. She simply melted the fuck down. This is one of my new favorites when it comes to people blowing it. Can we get a Rosetta Stone for the final rant (17-20 sec)? Girl literally was speaking tongues.

I can see her future career right now:

Derison, derison, a bi a bu abit. From the Staples Center, I’m Serene Branson. ESPN”

1. Bill O’Reilly

One of the biggest 0 to 60 moments I’ve ever seen. All he simply had to do was ask what “To play us out” meant. This got the #1 spot simply due to the asshole level of the rant. “We’ll do it live”, acting like he’s some sort of expert when he fucked up twice. And his smile at the end, even while holding in all that rage is simply priceless.

Moral of this list is don’t be a chauncey and get flustered.

May 20, 2011. Shea. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Guilty Pleasure Songs by chrispness

Everyone has those songs they like to mosh to alone in their room. You have those little songs that you like to get down to in private, but would be publically ridiculed for knowing every word to. Here is my list. Ridicule away.

10. Tech N9ne That Box

best line: the pussy was fine but it had a lil stink / ugh / had to back up off her / due to the smell in think my dick got soft

This cleverly crafted ode to female genitals is one of my favorites. With lines like that its hard to believe that tech n9ne is raping and not the poet laureate of the United States. But with a beat that’s super banging and a hook that’s catchy as hell is hard not to sing along.

9. Shewolf Shakira

AWOOOOO. This song completely made this list because a) shakira is hot as fuck b) her dances make my danger zone tingle c) she has a pink glitter cave. I’m not going to lie if you want to see a horrifying sight roll by room at about 10 pm on a Saturday and you will probably see me shakira dancing. This track is electric though

8. Hillary Duff Fly

I grew up with that little skank lizzie mcguire all over my tv. Now ten years later shes just crushing the AT40 charts with songs like this that are pure fire. If I need some inspiration to take on the day this track gets 6-15 plays on repeat.

7. Bottoms Up Keke Palmer

This song is sneakily an absolute party banger. Complete with its little choreographed dance routine this track makes a room go crazy no fail. And by that I mean a room full of 14 year old girls. Or I mean me alone in my own room. Either way is fine.

6. Sk8r Boi Avril Lavigne

I was once a sk8r boi, and sincerely believed that Avril’s little emo ass would come scoop me up some day and be the sugar momma I always needed. Little chrispness’ beliefs were wildly misguided, but nonetheless I still love listening to this song. With a sound almost like blink-182 and a chorus that is catchy as hell, I’m sure more people than would like to admit it know the words to this classic

5. Wannabe Spice Girls

I can tell you what I want what I really really want: for the entire song to just be the really fast part. I’m just completely confused by the lyrics in the rest of the song… “If you want to be my lover you have to get with my friends”. I tried that once, and contrary to the solid advice in this song it didn’t work out. I just ended up confused and alone with a bottle of hand lotion.

4. Hard in da Paint Remix rick ross feat. Tyga

best line: “14 fuck school I’m a rapper dawg”

There is a legitimate chance that this song is the most ignorant track ever recorded. From ross’ intro expounding upon the cars that he owns, his bragging about the money he makes, all the way down to Tyga exclaiming that he has no need for education because of his rapping skill. Like who is Tyga trying to fool here the guy has one song. (coconut juice, its honorable mention for this list)

3. Friday Rebecca Black

Fuck everyone that feels the need make fun of this song and talk about how bad it is. Stats don’t lie bro. This thing has 143 million views on youtube so all of you assholes out there clearly also like this song and know all of the words. Cut the bullshit about how you just listen because its bad. Mark my words Rebecca Black is going to be bigger than the Beatles.

2. Pocket full of sunshine Natasha Bedingfield

This might be the single most inspirational song on my i-pod. When I really need that last little bit of inspiration to knock out 5 more minutes on the elliptical I crank up the volume and listen to this baby. (did I just admit to riding an elliptical?) But seriously her voice is butter and this song gets stuck in your head for days.

1. See You Again Miley Cyrus

This song has been a favorite of mine for a few years. First place by miles (see what i did there?), its without a doubt in my top 25 most played on itunes. Miley recorded this back when she was still young and pure, not on her way to becoming another E true Hollywood story. Her lyrical genius in this song is uncompromised, as she literally stutters when she think about the situation. And she drops an absolutely classic excuse for her behavior: just being miley. How come just being chrispness isn’t an excuse to get away with anything?

May 20, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

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