Top Ten Qualities of a Hipster by Jadams


After spending a Memorial Day weekend in Williamsburg, the Mecca for Hipsters, I have OD’ed on hipsters. Everywhere you look, you see the skinny jeans and constant use of Iphones. I almost got run 4 times by irresponsible hipster bikers.

I don’t have a hate for hipsters, but they are a rare breed that are easy to classify. This list takes a stab at profiling a stereotypical hipster.

Fedoras and mustanches

 

10.   Name Dropping/ Recommended strictly “Obscure” people 

A typical hipster conversation requires a Rosetta Stone and the wikipedia page for Obscure people. Whether it’s authors, fashion people, or bands, a hipster is strapped with his/her “go-to” arsenal of obscurity. It’s a rite of passage and initiation to try and one up a fellow hipster with an obscure reference or recommendation on who to read or listen to. The conversation are so saturated with references that the convo’s need a cryptologist to decipher its meaning.

 

9.   Organic Coffee

Nothing better than French Pressing a local coffee shop’s organic blend. Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts are not obscure enough and are products from mega-corporations who are sucking the money away from the hipster cafe. Even though it costs more, organic coffee is a staple in a hipster’s home. A genius business idea would be to start a skinny jean store that sold organic coffee. The coffee bags must be bio-degradable and must come from  a place that has some sort of witty/ironic coffee or organic pun in its name.

 

8.   Buy Wine and Pretend to have wisdom on its origin and what other hipsters drink it.

I must admit, I am a rookie when it comes to wine. Other than a casual Franzia session, I will not buy wine. I stick to the essentials. When it comes to drinking, a hipster loves buying wine to show off at a hipster seance or gathering. Hipsters will warm you up by offering you a glass, but this is a deadly move. Clear your calendar for the next 20 minutes. A hipster will pretend that he has a profound knowledge about the wine and will make obscure references to the type of grapes, the year, etc. After phase 1 is completed, they will go on to tell you which other hipsters have gotten red lips from that wine.

7.    Closet DubStep Listener

This has become a recent development. In the world of obscure music, Dubstep is encroaching on hipsters’ musical turf.  A hipster will bash Dubstep for its lack of musical ingenuity, but when no one is around, a hipster will blast Dubstep.

There are many reasons for this trend, but I have deduced that hipsters need to know the most current trends to make obscure name drops and battle Dubstep enthusiasts in trivial music debates. A hipster cannot sacrifice his or her leverage in musical obscurity.

6.    Denouncing any technology that isn’t not made by Apple.

A hipster loves his or her technology, but nothing meets their standards more than a good Apple product. Covering in obscure music labels and bands, a hipster’s Macbook is a major sense of pride. It’s a symbol of musical knowledge and the latest hipster trends.

A hipster is constantly reconfiguring his or  her Iphone and making sure he or she has the latest obscure Apps.

5.    Having a very specific taste in food.

Every hipster knows their favorite cafe and restaurants. It’s all about relating to other hipsters by giving food tips. It would be baffling to find an Emeril cookbook in a hipster abode. Most of the time, the food is organic and includes small portions and weird combinations.

I actually like talking food with hipsters. I get introduced to new vet foods. At a certain point though, making arguments for veggie/turkey burgers is mind-boggling.

4.     Read Pitchfork religiously

To keep up on the latest obscure trends, a hipster refers to Pitchfork as a gospel. Hipsters litter facebook with pitchfork articles. I actually like Pitchfork, but it’s not my only source of music news. To become a hipster, you must take an oath of the Pitchfork. From that point on, whatever bands are on pitchfork make the cut for his or her musical taste.

3.    Love MGMT

3 years ago, MGMT hit the hipster world. Everyone was blasting Kids, Electric Feel, and other legendary songs. College parties could not go 4 songs without a hipster changing it to an MGMT jam. Inevitably, the MGMT remixes came. This latest craze rejuvenated hipsters would were starting to stray from MGMT because it was becoming to popular. In 2008-2009, a hipsters ITunes (I can guarnsheed) had at least 3 MGMT songs in their top 25.

 

2.    Talking about Abroad (Europe)

A hipster’s classic story-telling manuever is talking about abroad. “This one time abroad I stayed at the cutest little hostel in prague/Berlin.” Oh my god, I would go back to Europe in a second. The people there are so hipster and obscure. I drank so many dark beers and drank obscure wine in the morning.

I’m actually really cool with the hipster quality. I love a good story and hipsters love to talk about abroad because they all went abroad.

 

1.      Rocking Fedoras

Fedoras are actually real vet. Walk into a hipster gathering of 30 or more and I guarnsheed there will be about a baker’s dozen of fedoras. On the subway, every car has a requirement of at least 4 fedoras. Especially with the warm weather coming, fedoras will be popping.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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May 30, 2011. Jads.

One Comment

  1. Gage replied:

    What the fuck is vet

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