Top ten worst things about summer jobs

Over here at TTBG we are all slaving away at various summer jobs that in their own way could each be considered a form of torture. But hey that hurricaine high gravity isn’t going to buy itself now is it? Here are the top ten reasons why having a summer job sucks

10. Interviews
After slaving away over a resume, bullshit cover letter, and filling out the exact same information on 70 job and internship applications you finally get called in for an interview. A solid 40 percent of the time at the interview is spent going over the exact information on your application and resume. The other 60 you have to spend pretending like you give a shit about whatever job you are trying to get. This is especially difficult when you are supposed to convince someone that a career at yankee candle has been a dream of yours for years
9. Work related “injuries”
These come in all shapes and sizes. If you’re stuck copying data into excel all day, you end up with carpal tunnel, a sore neck, bad posture, obesity, type two diabetes, and terrible eyesight. On the other hand, factory labor or construction jobs lead to destroyed backs, tobacco addictions, and possibly a lost limb. Seems like a lose-lose to me. Unless you end up in retail, then your only real injury is probably from being assaulted by the fat bitch trying to get to the sale at Lane Bryant.
8. Your Boss dropped out of 10th grade
As college students we are used to dealing with some pretty fucking intelligent people on a day to day basis. Then, when you get thrust out into the work world for the summer you deal with the bottom ten percent of society. As summer help, you are thrown under the tutelage of the lowest man on the totem pole at the business. My best experience was last summer at a t-shirt factory, where my boss dropped out of school in the 10th grade, and made three times as much as I did. Seems like my education is really taking me far.
7. Boring / not challenging
Show me an exciting and challenging summer job and ill suck your dick so fast it will make your head spin. With the exception of seasonal jobs in landscaping or tourism, there is a reason why your position only exists for 3 months out of the year, because it isn’t fucking important. This means that either your job shouldn’t even exist at all because it isn’t necessary, or, even worse, its such a shit position that they can’t find anyone to do it year round.
6. Bad hours
Here is another one where you’re fucked either way. If you work normal adult hours, you miss all of the sun during the day, and are stuck fighting a brutal commute (see 5). If you work evenings, you’re fucked because all of your friends work during the day and you miss out seeing them at night. This happened to me and I have become a solitary, nocturnal creature.
5. Commute
Every day millions of Americans want to blow their brains out as they sit in gridlock traffic driving to work. Its like adding insult to injury doing something you hate (sitting in traffic) to go to do something you hate (selling candles). Lucky us, for 3 months out of the year college students get a taste of what being middle aged and hopeless is like. Kind of makes me want to either a. find a sugar mama or b. just become a homeless wino.
4. Drug tests
An alarmingly high number of summer jobs make you submit a urine sample these days. This brings the question, does it really fucking matter if I’ve been smoking weed? Is being high sometime in the last month really going to interfere with my ability to cut grass / sell candles / crunch numbers? Fuck no. And spare me that crap about trying to find the “good kids” for jobs by doing this. That cocksucker that won’t break the rules isn’t nearly edgy enough to sell as many large “midsummer night” scented candles as this guy.
3. Co workers
If taken with the right attitude, this is actually the best part about a summer job. As I have said before, at summer jobs you are subjected to the bottom ten percent of the American population. This leads to some hilarious situations, and if you can refrain from killing them due to their ineptitude / disgusting personal habits, you might be able to laugh a few years down the road. Below is an actual video of a couple clowns I work with. True story. this summer

2. Being hung over at work
There is no worse feeling in the entire world then having a raging headache, a stomach in knots, and eight hours of physical labor to look forward to. This means that your summer job takes not only the hours you have at work away from you, but also the night before.
1. Low /no pay
I can hear adults right now “be thankful in this economy that you got any job at all.” Fuck that. I make 8.55 an hour and only work part time. How the fuck am I supposed to pay for gas for a 35 minute commute, and a 30 every other night to try and make myself forget my miserable existence?

The moral of this story is, all school year long you think of how nice its going to be to be able to fuck off and not do school work all summer. Then it gets here and is the most anticlimactic time ever, filled with boring jobs, Chauncey coworkers, no money, and a painful commute.

Advertisements

June 24, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

Top 30 “This Is SportsCenter” Commercials

After a short hiatus to do some outside research and scouting for the summer, I’ve decided to get back to making some lists.

As it is with most people obsessed with sports, Sportscenter is the go-to show that never lets you down. Whether its waking up or getting home from work, SportsCenter can be counted on to give you scores and highlights.

Part of the entire act is to deliver sports with an edge, an edge that is mostly comedic. The “This is SportsCenter” idea has boundless amounts of possibilities, and SportsCenter has tapped into this resource to create innovative and hysterical commercials.

Since there are so many good ones and it’s impossible to narrow it down to 10, I had to make it 30.

30. “Pairings”

Best Part: Dan Patrick’s awkward rambling.

29. “The Closer”

Best Part: Once again, Dan Patrick steals the show with his facial expression that puts Kenny Mayne out for sure.

28. “Shirt Giveaway”

Best Part: John Anderson’s catch is outstanding. The gator clamp.

27. “Freebies for Federer”

Best Part: “I dunno if they’re any good or not”

26. “Buffer”

Best Part: The announcer’s nicknames

25. Expansion Draft

Best Part: Talking about Anderson being protected.

24. “Rain Delay”

Best Part: I just bought a video camera myself

23.  “Cookout Pinata”

Best Part: Gotta love Muresan

22. “Summit”

Best Part: Volunteer Joke

21. “Company Counselor”

Best Part: “But you gotta carry alotta water”

20. “Cutest Guys”

Best Part: Van Pelt’s initial reaction to Number 2

19. “PA Life”

Best Part: “Nice try” sequence

18. “Clouds”

Best Part: Mutombo

17.  “Diversity”

Best Part: “Don’t Touch me”

16.  “Corner Men”

Best Part: “Dont be a lollipop”

15. “Rock Paper Scissors Shoot”

Best Part: Mascot shakes him off on the 2 outta 3.

14. “Spitball”

Best Part: Keyboard sequence

13.  “Y2K”

Best Part: Charlie Steiner

12.  “melo”

Best Part: “Any socks that I can borrow?”

11.  “Running of the Brats”

Best Part: Is it fun? No

10.  “Betrayal”

Best Part: Ortiz’s facial hair

9.  “Going Out”

Best Part: Deacon’s first look up from the paper

8.  “Steroids”

Best Part: Unhand rapscallion

7. “Perfect Show”

Best Part: The ump making the double negative call

6.  “Sweet Science”

Best Part: Bob Ley

5.  “Old Timers” (another classic one with George Mikan)

Best Part: “You’re not listening”

4.  “Sampras”

Best Part: Lunch lady announcing the price

3.  “Soccer”

Best Part: Brush by

2.  “Brett Favre System”

Best Part: Ripping on Favre

1. “Palmer”

Best Part: Entire thing

Notable Omissions: New Jersey Devils, Mr. Met

18

19.

June 23, 2011. Jads. Leave a comment.

Top 10 Worst Roommate Traits

Its always a tricky deal having to live with someone, especially freshman year when that person is probably a complete stranger. Here are the ten worst characteristics a roommate can have.

10. Not paying for alcohol

"let me get you next week"

Booze is a necessary expense of college. It costs probably around 100 dollars a month to drink effectively. But if your room mate is always pawning your alcohol, “borrowing” shots here and there, or just plain stealing a beer for later, these costs can skyrocket. The worst part is its really hard to confront a room mate about this, because you have to live with the prick for at least another few months. You need to avoid making him angry at all costs, because remember he has full access to all of your personal stuff.

9. Neat Freak

my dream room. true story

This is one that probably sneaks up on you. At first you think that its going to be great and this guy will just keep the room clean for you at all times. But after about a week the passive aggressive sticky notes start popping up around the room reminding you of chores you “need” to complete. This OCD motherfucker won’t give you five seconds of peace to wallow in your own filth.

8. Tobacco Addiction

Pick your poison here, literally. Smokers smell like dick, have no money and therefore probably don’t pay for anything else, and to make matters worse will probably burn your dorm down with careless ashtrays fashioned out of your sheets. As bad as that sounds, a room mate that chews is probably even worse. The spitting sounds. The precariously left half full cups of dip juice just waiting to spill all over your valuables, and possibly worst, when this room mate gets drunk he just spits all over the floor and or your belongings.

7. Incompatible Schedules

If you and your roommate have opposite schedules, literally everything is impossible. You can’t get any alone time because they just show up out of nowhere. They wake you up at night / in the morning when they come and go, and there is never anyone in your room that automatically has to hang out with you. This one has fucked me many times before, and is probably the reason for my solitary existence (that or my habit of drooling everywhere. Either way. Jokes.)

6. Being a Noner / Bringing nothing

if this guy had a single...

Your dorm room is your home during the school year. You need a fair amount of fairly expensive stuff, including an xbox, tv, speakers, various chargers, fridge, and some furniture. This shit can get pricy, but usually it’s no big deal between two people. The worst is the roommate that brings nothing, and then abuses the shit out of and breaks all of your stuff.

5. Lack of Hygiene

This one sounds like it’s just a mild annoyance, a roomie that just doesn’t smell great. But sneakily it gets far worse. They leave their smelly ass clothes / aura all over the room, and no matter what you are doing you can’t escape the smell, and anyone who comes over blames it on you.

4. Dealing Drugs

So at first this seems like an awesome roommate trait, free drugs 24/7. But after about a week you realize the plethora of issues. First of all instant access to getting fucked up all of the time means your productivity is going out the window. Toss on top of that risks of drug busts and getting blamed for his shit and you realize that the honeymoon was over before it began.

3. Masturbation Addiction

There's an O face

All guys do it. We love it. We need it. I’m sure all of us have at some point in time been caught by our roommates. Its awkward as hell but that one time is never really a big deal. There’s just the unspoken rule about being more careful next time. Once you exceed walking in on him twice, it starts being a problem.

2. Snoring

You just pulled an all nighter. You’re trying to sneakily have sex in your double. But no. Your asshole room mate is sawing wood louder than don vito. This one is sneakily one of the most annoying traits of all, because it might not bother you all the time, but not being able to sleep is one of the worst feelings in my opinion.

1. Being Me

Typical tuesday morning at the chrispness residence

This shouldn’t come as much of a surprise but I am literally the worst roommate in the history of man. I possess all of the previous traits in spades. I leave half used spitters everywhere. I’m literally masturbating 70 percent of the time that I’m awake. Last time that I showered was during the cold war. If you think I’m kidding ask one of the 4 roommates I have had in the last 2 years. They all hate me. Literally wish I were dead. They won’t even talk about half of the things they have seen

 

June 14, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Worst Seasons In Pro Sports

Luckily, here in New England we haven’t been plagued by any horribly embarrassing seasons, just years of general disappointment. In this list you will find the ten worst seasons in the history of professional sports. Feel free to complain that this list has a bunch of expansion teams on it, stats don’t lie bro a shitty season is still a shitty season.

10. 1962 New York Mets

This team is a little bit before my time, but their story has been passed down in Baseball lore. As bad and mismanaged as the Mets have been recently, its easy to forget that the Met’s struggles go back a generation. In their first year in the league they posted an impressively bad 40-120 record. They posted a team ERA over 5 which was worst in the NL, and a team BA of .240, also basement in the NL. They also gave up nearly 1,000 runs. shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that they hold the record for most losses in a modern season. With such a bright future and storied past, the Mets must be due for a good season right?

9. 2003 Detroit Tigers

A good way to make this list is losing more that 110 games in a baseball season. They had a 43-119 record. This team even had the likes of Dmitri Young and Brandon Inge, certifiable all stars. A team ERA of 5.13 certainly didn’t help things.

8. 1998 Denver Nuggets

Gave up over 100 ppg. Scored less than 90 ppg. 11-71 record. 23 game losing streak. At least Elway and the Broncos were good enough in 1998 to make up for this travesty. I guess Chauncey Billups and ex URI star Tyson Wheeler couldn’t get it done.

7. 1993 Sharks

San Jose… It doesn’t surprise me that they’re on this list. SJ doesn’t strike me as a logical location for a hockey powerhouse. The real reason they made the list is the fact that they played in a stadium called the Cow Palace. Enough said. The team played like shit, played in a place named after somewhere that smells like shit.

6. 1960 Dallas Cowboys

How about them cowboys? How about 0-11-1. Major problem here was probably the fact that all time NFL great Don Merredith (granted it was early in his career) was backing up some clown Eddie LaBaron. Have you noticed the trend yet? Expansion teams suck.

5. 1973 76’ers

They won 9 games. In a basketball season. That adds up to a .110 winning percentage. I guess even in the 70’s it was tough to have a good basketball season without any stars.

4. 1975 Washington Capitals

Here is yet another failure expansion season. By the numbers they were 8-67-5. They only won ONE game on the road. Oh and six goals a game on average means Bernie Wolf and Ron Low had one of the worst seasons by any keep in hockey history.

3. 2008 Detroit Lions

No excuses here besides rampant mismanagement by the Ford family, and years of drafting wide receivers instead of interior lineman and a franchise qb (sorry joey harrington). Going winless in the modern NFL when the mantra is “any given sunday” is no easy feat. This team sticks out in everyone’s mind as the paradigm of ineptitude in modern sports.

2. 1976 Bucs

Two more winless NFL franchises in the top 3. The real reason I put them on the list is another excuse to talk about what an awesome mascot Bucco Bruce is. How often during a football game do you feel like you’re being seduced by the opposing mascot? exactly what i thought. Game set match. or 0-14. either way.

1. 1899 Cleveland Spiders

Even grandpa Chrispness wasn’t around to see these chaunceys parading around Cleveland and their 145 fans per game. They went 20-134. Their record is just the tip of the iceburg. In 1899 the owners purchased a second franchise, the  St. Louis Perfectos (do I smell a top ten worst team names blog?). Feeling that St. Louis was a more viable market, the owners sent all of the Spiders’ good players over to the Perfectos, meaning that Cleveland was playing with a short roster of mens league softball players. True story. Basically the replacements except in the MLB. Richmond should be embarrassed to share a mascot.

June 13, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

top ten most misogynistic rap songs

1.)Hey Mister by Kool G Rap
This songs tops the list of most misogynistic rap songs of all time. Basically G rap showing how he handles his business. This song is descriptive enough to give Bobby Brown a stiffy.

2.)KIM by Eminem- Listen to the song. I can write no more.

3.) No endz No  Skinz by Big L. First off, R.I.P. to the punch line king of the under ground. L really dissects it in this one.

4.)Cunt Renaissance RA The Rugged Man ft Notorious B.I.G. I dont know if the C word…… fuck it ill just say cunt, has ever been used so casually. Smalls chucks this common euphemism around like its frisbee in the park. And I can only say one word about RA and thats DIRT.  Plenty of misogyny in this one. Simone De Beauvoir rolls in her grave.

5.) I get Around – 2pac. Yea we all know Pac got around, its no secret. On this track Pac touches a note that all men care about….diversity. Pac cant be held down by just one or two, he’s gotta have them all.

6.) Bitches Aint Shit- Dr. Dre and Snoop Dog. With out a shred of ambiguity Dre posits that all that females are nothing but liar’s, cheaters, sexual deviants. Whether you agree or not, the misogyny used by these g funk legends earns them a number 6 spot.

7.)We Some Dogs- Method Man ft Red Man- “Bitch ya fucking with a dog. All I wanna do is burry some bones”, goes the first line in the song. This could be taken as Meth making a claim about human nature, that “we just some dogs”. Red does dirt on this track per usual, with more than a hint of misogyny .

8.)MOVE BITCH- Ludacris. Nothing like telling someone to get the fuck out of your way. Few people could articulate a statement to women like ludacris and his boy mystical.

9.) Shake Ya Ass- Mystikal. If misogynony is all about objectifying women than Mystikal takes the cake on this joint. “I came up with my dick in my hand, dont make e leave with my foot in your ass……….be cool”

10.) Excitable Boy- Warren Zevon. Now I know what your thinking, Warren Zevon is not a rapper but a deceased folk singer. To this I say… yes he is. But excitable boy deserves to crack the list even though it is not a rap song simply because of the boy in the song. This guy not only rubs a pot roast on his chest but then subsequently murders his junior prom date and builds a cage from her bones. Now if that doesnt deserve a spot then I dont know what does.

Hopefully toptenforgentlemen is below the radar of partners against domestic abuse, other wise I anticipate some emails, but anyone stupid enough to think that we are glorifying misogyny can go fuck themselves…. and then listen to excitable boy on repeat for 5 hours.

June 8, 2011. peebscrilla. Leave a comment.