Top Ten Best Shows on Television

I like TV. This is the best shit on TV. #getatme (i need twitter.)

10. hardknocks

Every August I get geeked up for the new season of hardknocks. An inside look at an NFL team’s preseason is informative and exciting. I got news a few days ago that this season has been cancelled due to the clowns over at HBO crying about the lockout. Cry me a fucking river bro, how hard is it to make this show? It’s tragic because I love getting inside the minds of the degenerates that fill up NFL rosters (ie cromartie). Honestly how can a college graduate have that much trouble speaking the English language? How does he think he is possibly a “good father figure and husband”?

9. craig ferguson

Craig has a special place in my heart. This past year I watched him every single night. This guy has the best gig on the planet, he gets paid to make a show that no one watches, that doesn’t get advertised, and that has either no guests or ones you haven’t heard of. One night he literally interviewed a robot. No matter how many times I’m disappointed by him, I still come running back for more every single night. You can catch me on Friday nights sprinting home from wherever I am to get my Craig fix true story.

8. Hawaii 5-0

This is a remake of the classic crime thriller set in the most beautiful place on earth, Hawaii. Most of the characters are badass enough to make Van Damme squeamish, the story line is interesting and exciting, but most importantly it provides something to look forward to on Monday nights once football is over.

7. Sportscenter

ESPN’s flagship program has just about everything going for it. Its on live almost 24/7 on the espn family of networks, it has a multitude of smokeshow anchors (looking at you Hannah storm), and the best ads on television. The catch phrases are pretty clutch too, I’ve been known to lets a “pilate’s workin” or “aloha means goodbye” drop every once in a while to this very day (I see you larry beil). Get Michelle Beadle on to anchor and this show is easily number one.

6. Lets Make A Deal

Lets get one thing straight right off the bat, fuck the price is right. Every single person always talks about how awesome that show is to watch in the morning. Well all of you pricks clearly haven’t done your research or watched much daytime TV. Drew went to a fat farm, lost a shit ton of weight to look slightly less repulsive, and is now the host of that mediocre show. Ill take Wayne Brady on lets make a deal six days a week and twice on Sunday over that Chauncey. First of all everyone on the show has to wear a real vet costume, and then they literally just get given money and have to avoid being tricked. Give me mind games over that stupid game show price is right. Oh and was this a rant? Yes it was, fucking deal with it chief.

5. Turbofire infomercial

So this isn’t technically a show, but because I’ve watched it about 7 times I think it counts. Its this dance workout for milfs that has an hour long infomercial. The awesome part is the fact that there are bodybuilding workout-a-holic six pack having smoke bombs all over the tv the entire time. My penis gets confused not knowing if I should be turned on, or terrified for my life. Couple this with a great soundtrack, and its go time for this guy. Does it say something about my intelligence that I always get sucked into watching infomercials?

4. Cops reruns

Classic show that’s on G4 almost all day (yeah that’s right I have premium cable bitches). It shows 90’s police work south of the mason Dixon line at its finest. The cases are absurd, the calls are uncomfortably anticlimactic (you literally never see any action just the aftermath), and every episode leads to the question, can cops really do that shit?

3. Entourage

Entourage is a legitimate contender for the greatest series ever on television. The show is funnier than a pack of hyiennas (and those vicious little guys are always laughing), but still communicates a compelling story line. And that’s just were it starts, because it shows the life that we all dream of living complete with an extra large dose of half naked broads. So the next time you’re channeling your inner Ari Gold during an argument remember to give a quick thanks to Marky Mark.

2. Judge Joe Brown

If there is one thing that the chrispness likes, its daytime TV. Everyday around 9 am its ready to start comforting my damaged emotional state. Judge Joe pulls in at number two because he is the king of all daytime TV shows. Were Judge Judy is a bitch, he is a wise old black sage, dispensing knowledge as well as judgment. It also helps that none of the cases are over anything significant, and the only word appropriate to describe 70 percent of the people involved in disputes is “ignorant”. No word of a lie I would do terrible things to get on this show. If anyone has a good scheme to get on here let me know, ill split the 10 dollars in profits with you.

1. Orelilly factor

You might think this is a surprising first choice, but if you think about it, it isn’t. It’s the most watched news program in the country, but not because people actually like the psychopath that is Bill Oreilly. The reason is because it is a great show for fundamentally all groups of people. Angry democrats get to complain about him being backwards and bigoted. Old people and angry republicans can complain that the world is going to shit. Cam’ron can complain that Bill hates his way of life. Moral of the story is that people generally love a reason to bitch and moan, and this ugly ass white curtain Irishman gives us a reason.

July 27, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Most Annoying Sounds

Here are some noises that don’t exactly serenade you gracefully to sleep. (And no the dumb and dumber sound doesn’t make it) Peep the list

Honorable Mention: screw squeaking into wall

worst place to hear: construction site (do you actually hear this anywhere else?)

Nothing is worse than being woken up by “home improvement” as your next door neighbor/parent tries to install some new shelving at 7:30. Worst part of the entire sound is the drill spooling up, followed by the deafening squeak.

10.  dog barking

worst place to hear: glue factory, animal shelter, quiet neighborhood.

Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs. Greatest companions in the world. But when a couple of these guys get together and decide to have a conversation across the neighborhood and they can turn a pleasant afternoon of yardwork into a living nightmare.

9. water dripping

worst place to hear: third world country prison

there is a reason why those bastards in china decided to torture people with this shit. The sound is painful.

8. coughing

worst places to hear Class. Elevator. Work. Church. Anywhere.

This sound brings with it the fear of disease, which for a hypochondriac like myself is actually the worst part. It’s like death calling me with threats of tuberculosis/consumption/black plague.

Sneakily the worst place to hear coughing is work. Because you know that in about 5 minutes you have no choice but to shake hands with that person and get infected with whatever flesh eating disease they have.

7. mouth breathing

worst place to hear: class, bedroom.

Its not quite snoring, just incredibly loud breathing. The kind of breathing the big bad wolf had to do to blow the house in. And the girl/guy that you just brought home for the night huffing and puffing right into your ear. So now you can’t sleep, and the night ticks by in the slowest imaginable manner as you keep checking your phone hoping its morning. Or you could just grow a pair and kick them out but we all know I don’t deal with “situations”.

6. jack hammering

worst place to hear: anywhere you are trying to sleep

This is a sound that anyone who has lived in a city has had to deal with. The public works department decides to work on the sewer directly outside your window between the hours of 11 PM and 5 AM just to ensure that you will not sleep.

5. car alarm

worst place to hear: gone in sixty seconds

all you need to hear is the dane cook segment. Also aren’t car alarms a little superfluous? Like whenever I accidentally hit the panic button, I stand next to my car with the alarm going off for like 5 minutes trying to figure it out, and no one says shit. So if some chauncey was stealing my car, no one would notice either. Dumbest invention.

4. baby crying

worst places to hear: Church. Movies.

I think this sound is actually hard wired into humans to make us uncomfortable so that we fix whatever is wrong with the kid. Good thing to make theyre parents feel. Shitty for everyone else stuck listening to a meltdown tantrum that’s just trying to enjoy a movie

3. nails on a chalkboard

worst place to hear: how often does this actually happen? Where are there even CHALK boards anymore?

This is actually the first track on the mix CD I made for sex. It basically just sets the mood off right for a disappointing and mildly annoying evening. True story. Stereotypically horrifying sound gets a stereotypically high rank. Sue me.

2. pen clicking

worst place to hear: Sitting in class,

that mouth breathing, 4.0 gpa wannabe doctor know it all is huffing away clicking his pen for the entire 90 minute lecture. Like Chinese water torture, the longer he takes between clicks, the more you NEED to hear one more. Its one of those sounds that once you notice you can’t stop hearing.

1. chris tucker’s voice

worst place to hear: any action / “comedy” movie

OH HELLL NO. i would rather be subjected to all of the prior sounds at once than have to hold a conversation with chris tucker.

best of and by that they mean the worst assault on your ear drums from rush hour movies.

July 14, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.