Top 10 Biggest Clowns in “The Wire” by Shea

HBO specializes in good characterization. Their producers continually find talent and hire writers and directors that can really get you relating to people on the show without even thinking about it. But, when a show has a thick and intricate masterpiece of a plot like theirs, for every vet character you see either in a squad car, the corner or on a barstool chatting it up with Dolores, there are also your clowns. Idiots, rooks, clowns, mouses even chaunceys. Whatever you want to call them they exist even in the greatest show on television.

10. Renaldo (Omar’s Mexi-bitch)

Omar's Sloppy 3rds

As if we had had enough of Omar’s multi-cultural sex life scenes, starting in season 4 they introduce his third slave Renaldo. All this character does is drive Omar around in the cab and mutter at least 6 “Aye Poppyyyy” and “¿Que paso?” while continually maintaining an accent almost annoying as the little Puerto Rican chick in White Man Can’t Jump. His only upside was he rolls deep in cousins for muscle situations. Kind of reminds me of a Napoleon Dynomite situation.

9. Frog

A minor character (couldn’t even find a picture) but major clown. Season 2 eastside dealer near the docks, talks like what South Park characterized as a typical heat fan.

Frog is first class Wigger/Wankster, decked out in Fubu and you can barely hear a word he says. He would get eaten alive in the Pit or the Fayette Ave. corners.

8. Jay Landsman

A gut for all seasons

Aside from when Kima gets shot, I literally never see Landsman lift a finger when it comes to actual detective work. He preaches his clearance rate and sucks the tit of Rawls. Too much of a bitch to step up and break the rules McNulty style, but too much of a fat chauncy to get promoted up the chain. Guess that just leaves him his massive order of curly fries and his pornos. I do admit that rocking the old school porn magazines are hilarious especially blatantly during work.

7. De’londa Brice

The bigger the O, the bigger the ho

As Bodie said, this lady is a straight up “Dragon Lady”. She doesn’t lift a finger yet feeds of Wee-Bey’s due from the Barksdale’s (until Brianna steps up on her). After  she gets back from Atlantic City she bitches her own son out for not being man enough to go baby booking lock-up. It takes a savage bitch like her to be able to hang with a G like Bey. Don’t know where Namon got his bitch gene because both of his parents are fierce. Only difference is one is Soldering up 24/7 and the other is making my 80 year old Nana look like busy bee.

6. Old Face Andre

Rocking Polos

This guy gets shit on by everyone he interacts with. Omar robs him without breaking a sweat. Marlo shits on his lame begging excuses, and what he thought was his saving grace Prop Joe sells him back to Marlo when he tried to run from Baltimore. Old Face Andre is what you define as a first class loser in everything he does, including his taste in hats.

5. Scott (Sun Reporter)

"Ahh Scott? My office." -Gus

One of the biggest bullshitting self-improvers in the show, and that is saying something considering the final 3 seasons all have politicians would into the plot. When he comes into identify the cereal killer that doesn’t exist, McNulty chews him out harder that Rawls at a Comstat meeting when the annual murder count is approaching 300. Scott is always shitting on the Bmore Sun, yet fabricating stories for a shot at a Pulitzer. Even though I didn’t enjoy the season 5 “media aspect” of Baltimore, this guy’s idiot level naturally had me siding with the vet Gus and rooting against Scott. The part that seals the viewers’ distaste for this character is the final montage in season 5 shows him actually winning a Pulitzer for his made up shit. As they say in Twitter: smh

4. Herc

Dumb Guido

I don’t care what people say, I fucking hate Herc. He shows absolutely no police talent whatsoever, and made his career talking in on a blowjob. Not saying I wouldn’t ride that to the top, but Herc continually blows every small assignment and shows the intellectual capacity of Mr. Prez’s homeroom. All the meanwhile he’s tapping his sergeant stripes likes he actually earned something. His only redeeming moment is when he cops undercover from Frog with his toothpick routine. The description clown isn’t even enough of an insult for someone as retarded as Herc.

3. Johnny Weeks

Bangs city

Actually thought this was being played by an actually retarded actor during season 1. There wasn’t one scene in that season where he wasn’t doping hard, and, coupled with the way talks, I was actually led to believe he was supposed to be that retarded. Like the show wanted to give some insight as to how not just regular fiends, but retarded and autistic fiends got by. But no. This dude is not retarded, just an idiot. This may sound insensitive but I was happy to see him turn up dead when they plowed Hamsterdam.

Rawl’s line should have been “Let the rats feast on this tard.”

2. Orlando

"Got that New Orleans connect"

Where to start? Well go no further that appearance. His hairstyle is mind boggling. If my job was to run a strip club I would look fresh to death in front of my girls in case they want a piece. Secondly, his decision to get in the game is also a sign he needs to see a head doctor. How can you be stupid enough to go behind Avon’s back and then start snitching? This guy was a ticking time-bomb as the season went on, and after Kima got got because of him, well, he simply jumped the list in Wire idiots.

All but our #1 clown on HBO’s hit series “The Wire”…….

1. Ziggy Sobotka

Where's his duck?

Zig is a picture perfect story of a son who simply is a disappointment. He fails in literally everything he does (aside from a healthy dong size). His father Frank has nothing to be proud of. He can’t work as a stevedore because he’s about as jacked as Duquan “Dukie” Weems. He fails on the corner by fucking up packages, and he has no sense of place when trying to do business with the Greeks.  Not to mention the kid looks full blown emo. Must have been a hell of a teenage phase in the Sobotka house. Nicky knocking up his girl, Frank greasing politicians, and meanwhile Ziggy is upstairs cutting himself and tattooing his name to his knuckles. I have never seen someone fail harder than Ziggy in anything I have encountered. First class clown.

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May 27, 2011. Shea. Leave a comment.

Top 10 On the Air Meltdowns by Shea

To preface this list, I went for a nice medley between interview freak outs, full on fluster sessions, and just plain old people blowing it. Some you’ve seen and some not, but this list will make the Japan reactor meltdowns look like nothing.

10. Leaf Me Alone

I put this short meltdown in for some key reasons. First off he’s not even getting the formal interview in front of the stage, it’s just a joe shmoe by his locker with a pen and pad. Secondly this guy clearly has the maturity of a 12 year old if his teammates need to be running over and restraining him. As if he’s gunna pull out a gun or something.

This is the same guy who is arguable the biggest bust of all-time (another list for another day). In his rookie year he threw 2 TD’s and 15 INT’s with a 39.0 passer rating (8 fumbles to boot). Guess the reporter read him his stats or something.

9. Chris Berman

This is the kind rant that you know he rehearsed in his head and just was smacking his lips waiting for someone to fuck up. I clocked 5 on the “Jesus” count. He had some classic rant tactics too in this. The “whole hearted” apology mid rant (33 seconds) to go with the “I actually cant believe what I just saw” (53 seconds). Boomer you old dog, where Tom Jackson to chill you out when you need him.

8. Ms. Teen South Carolina

Well, I personally believe that this is simply too easy to rip apart. It’s simply overwhelming the amount of material to touch base on. Can we start with the fact that she says “US Americans”. What other kind did you have in mind. And I’m pretty sure most of South Africa is a first world country. Yeah it’s not perfect , but you’re trying to lump em in with Iraq? Danny Archer would be furious.

7. Mike Gundy

Mike Gundy. Man of the players. This wasn’t even meltdown til about 1:20. He really was making a good point until he insisted the reporters knew his age to a tee. I’m surprised he didn’t whip out his birth certificate as exhibit A. The man did get love at the end with his “Makes me want to puke” one liner, followed by applause? When do we see that at the end of a meltdown. Only from a vet like Gundy.

6. Jim Rome/Everett

Rome pulled a Peyton Manning with the “Check that” at the line of scrimmage. Props to Everett though, even though he should have knocked him out. Did more damage to the table. But Rome does have some balls on him I’ll give him that.

5. Matt Damon on Jimmy Kimmell

This got the #5 spot because you really never see a guy of Damon’s composure freak like he did. Especially to a chump like Kimmel. Well apparently he fucked Sarah Silverman who was Kimmel’s girlfriend at the time in response. Don’t know why a clown like Kimmel would war with a vet like Damon.

4. Boom Goes the Dynomite

Flustered – Verb: to put into a state of agitated confusion: His constant criticism flustered me.

One of my favorite moments is when he mouths “I’m so sorry” into the camera (1:20). Really just a savage meltdown here. He saved himself from the #1 spot with his signature “Boom goes the dynomite”. Everyone needs a trademark. The pronunciations of the AP all american team are priceless.

3. Denny Green

Three quick questions coach Green.

1. Who were they?

2. Did you happen to crown them?

3. And finally, did you or did you not let them off the hook?

My favorite part of our #3 meltdown is not just the amazing exit, but Grossman’s stats run on the bottom line during the interview. 14-37, 148yds and 4 INT’s. That’s Charlie Sheen’s new definition of Winning.

2.  No name stroke reporter

No it was not a stroke. She simply melted the fuck down. This is one of my new favorites when it comes to people blowing it. Can we get a Rosetta Stone for the final rant (17-20 sec)? Girl literally was speaking tongues.

I can see her future career right now:

Derison, derison, a bi a bu abit. From the Staples Center, I’m Serene Branson. ESPN”

1. Bill O’Reilly

One of the biggest 0 to 60 moments I’ve ever seen. All he simply had to do was ask what “To play us out” meant. This got the #1 spot simply due to the asshole level of the rant. “We’ll do it live”, acting like he’s some sort of expert when he fucked up twice. And his smile at the end, even while holding in all that rage is simply priceless.

Moral of this list is don’t be a chauncey and get flustered.

May 20, 2011. Shea. Leave a comment.

Top 10 Newest Drug Crazes by Shea

10. Whippids

Frosted Tips

Although not the newest craze, has grown in popularity due to cheap nature from recent economy struggles. Good for a nice after dinner/dessert buzz.

9. Contaminated Water

Go no further than the kitchen

Davis, UT – Every year, hospitals in the United States dump millions of pounds of unused pharmaceuticals down drains right into America’s drinking water. A recent AP investigation has brought wide spread media attention to the story prompting the federal government to call hearings and local teenagers to drink more water.

Wesley Reese, a C student and video gamer, says the contaminated water is like having a drug dealer in the kitchen. “I drink a dozen glasses of water every night. Just pound ‘em. By midnight, I feel sleepy. I think it’s from the morphine running down my drain.”

“We like to just skip class, drive down to the bridge and drink water. Last Friday, I drank so much water I almost peed myself. Shit gets pretty crazy,” revealed Johnny Tripler, a sophomore who keeps a part time job at a gas station. “Sometimes I’ll drink water at work. It calms me down.”

“I have a really high tolerance,” bragged Shannon Delfy. “I can drink gallons of water at a time and not feel anything. Some of my friends can’t hang. They act crazy after only three or four glasses.

Yes people, contaminated water is so in right now it’s not even funny. If you’re seen drinking Poland Spring straight, then you ain’t hard. It’s that simple. Shannon Delfy be crushin water and she ain’t feel a thing. A true player you ask me.

8. Cheesing

Get that pussy

Yes we did hear of “cheesing” first on South Park, but it is indeed a real thing.  Using concentrated urine, which can be obtained by breeders, its is possible to smoke it. To concentrate it let it dry, and then apply more, each time you do it, it adds a concentration. It’s traditionally its dried on catnip, to give it that real cat taste. Guess the crazy old cat ladies have had an ulterior  motive this whole time. Known in East Baltimore as “Wagstaffing”.

7. Cutting

Pretty in Pink

While I do strongly believe that emos are then bane of human existence, their “cutting” obsession is something that had to make its way on this list. A drug that is so mind boggling, that people are starting to get high just thinking of why idiots would do this. All you need is a few simple ingredients. Hard core self consciousness, a dark room (dark clothes optional), and a dull butter knife. You then just hack away all day and get high on all that self pity crap. Genius if you ask me. Retarded but genius.

6. Auto Erotic Asphyxiation (AEA)

Sweats are great for an "inside pants" job

Now this is something I could be open to. Not while jacking it of course, but if a chick wanted to choke me or be choked while were doing it?… Who knows what kind of head buzz where talking about. Could open some serious doors. Although there have been some notable deaths in this field. David Carradine’s death last year was rumored to be auto errotic choking. Gave a whole new angle to the movies “Kill Bill”.

5. Sniffing Gasoline

Kind of a "poor man" oxymoron with the Benz

This here was and I say was for the real poor man to get a buzz. But with gas prices where they are now, people are finding it harder and harder to get at that. Here is a first hand account from my tedious research.

at first it started because i ADORE the smell of gasoline. then i discovered i could get high as well and it was amazing. heres my personal account of what its like to be high:
-if you sniff enough, you can taste the gasoline in your mouth.
-the room turns really bright
-every step you take feels like an earthquake
-your head starts to pound, but it does not hurt
-your teeth start to tingle
-you hear music coming from nowhere
-your pupils go big, then small, then big and small again.
-you may possibly start to dance for no reason.

Head starts to pound but it does not hurt….. fascinating stuff this here gas sniffing is. The only reason it got the nod over AEA is the random dancing. At least these fiends have style.

4. Book Fungus

Invented by Barry "Wally Zerbs" Wallace

Experts on the various fungi that feed on the pages and on the covers of books are increasingly convinced that you can get high – or at least a little wacky-by sniffing old books. Fungus on books, they say, is a likely source of hallucinogenic spores. The story of The Strangeness in the Stacks first started making its way through the usually staid antiquarian books community late last year with the publication of a paper in the British medical journal, The Lancet. There, Dr. R.J. Hay wrote of the possibility that “fungal hallucinogens” in old books could lead to “enhancement of enlightenment.” “The source of inspiration for many great literary figures may have been nothing more than a quick sniff of the bouquet of mouldy books,” wrote Hay, one of England’s leading mycologists (fungus experts) and dean of dermatology at Guy’s Hospital in London.

Popular with the college professors and students. Studies have shown libraries have had to double their Ms. Stock like prowlers to keep the noise down because so many people are tripping. This new craze has just begun and may soon climb to a higher spot.

3. Huffing Paint

The inspiration for the classic "Dayman"

Yes we’ve seen Charlie and Frank huffing paint out of a sock in Sunny. But this craze has reached much farther. Kids have been seen huffing paint at locations such as outside of the Guilford Walmart where the local skaters hang, as well Primrose Lane in Fairfield where youngsters have been known to throw raging parties keeping neighbors up all night. This is a serious craze and will be for a while.

2. Bath Salts

"Got that bath salt WMD" "got them Yellow Salts yo"

Because they are still street legal, the bath salt craze is all the rage right now. Kids as young as 2 months old are whiffing salts and telling tales of their trips. The DEA has named them a “drug of concern” but no moves have been made to illegalize it. I’m on my way to buy in bulk right now, and hole up with a buttload in preparation for the end of the world 5/11/2011.

drum roll………

1. Jenkem (AKA butt vapors)

answer is all of the above.

Here is the wikipedia on it.

Jenkem is an alleged hallucinogenic recreational drug composed of noxious gas formed from fermented sewage[1], which has been the central component of a popular Internet hoax. In the mid to late 1990s, several reports stated that Jenkem was being used by Zambian street children.[1][2] In November 2007, anecdotal American media reports gave the impression that Jenkem was an actual, popular drug taking hold with American teenagers. Media reports were characterized by disbelief and distaste for the perceived abjection of the phenomenon.[3] Since November 2007, no new reports have appeared to corroborate the early speculations

Bullshit. Kids are huffing jenkem like its hot these days. Its literally free, all you need is a plastic bottle to shit and piss in and a balloon to collect the vapors. While I do want to put this myth to rest and see if you can actually get high of jenkem, I also would prefer that my mouth didn’t smell like my asshole for a month. Regardless, due to sheer ingenuity, this ranked as my number one newest drug craze.

this SHIT aint no joke.

May 18, 2011. Shea. 1 comment.