Top Ten Strategies to find/maintain a drunk after 12:30 A.M. by Jadams

I understand that at big party schools, parties can last for a long time. Well, at Bates, parties last until midnight, and usually at that point, shit gets weird. I think I could receive my Ph.D in scavenging and maintaining a solid buzz/drunk after the party ends. At this point, it’s everyman for themselves. Booze is hard to come by. I have successfully altered the system enough to get free beers, shots, and other beverages at times when some think the Prohibition is going on still.

Nobody wants to be this kid. 12:30 and about to pass out, B

Here are the best strategies:

10. Find “that” Girl

This leads off the list because it a quite the cirucmstantial routine.  We all know girls drink like bitches. Sometimes, true vets are able to exploit this weakness. But a potential problem arises because we know that girls buy alcohol in packs. To effectively eliminate this problem:

Try and hook up with the girl you know is in charge of the “Stash.” The stash is most likely going to be a half empty Smirnoff or Wine Bottle. These girls are easy to take alcohol from, especially if you need that extra burst to suck face and bounce. (My signature technique). I recommend this for one night flings only. Girls could catch your scent and hector (the rejector) you the next time around. It is also risky because you could hurt potential future hook-ups so try and find the “stash” when it is the beatest girl in the rotation.

9.     Find “that” Guy hoarding nice liquor

We all know that kid who flaunts a nice, aged licour that his Dad gave to him when he went to college. Most of the time this liquor taste like shit, and the dude is going to be frugal with giving it away. These kids are always a little stuck-up (guys that like to buy classy 12’s and the non-cheapest booze). To obtain the booze from him you need to :

1. Attack with other fellow vets. Nothing worse than peer pressure. Include him in on the night’s joke, ask him about his night. Be friendly but not his bitch. When the time comes, feast. The window is normally short for the opportunity so plan accordingly.

8.   Sleep Deprivation/Taking Meds

Sometimes you need to prepare for a heavy night of drinking by pre-gaming the pre-game. This could be staying up til 6 on a night before you go out, or you can take the short cut and take meds that multiply your drunkeness. This way, by the time the party ends you are so fucked up, you don’t need anymore. This is fairly risky (Not a technique I use a lot). Also, not something you want to share with others at the party.

7.     Hang out with a new crew

I seem to specialize in this technique. At the end of the night, a simple 10 minute wander into foreign grounds could be the secret to success. Target people a grade younger than you. They will probably have seen your face before. All it takes is a warm heart and the ability to relate to other people. By gaining many instantaneous friendships, you win the right to ask for booze. If you make/crash a party with 10 new friends, at least one will be enough of your boy to give you some drinks. I mean, people love a new face, especially when they tell corny jokes after 12:30.

6.      Check Fridges

This may seem a little out of hand, but when you’re drunk enough and want more, nothing is easier. If you have to be kind of sly andkeep your head on a swivel. Random fridges are always the best bet, but the best excuse at a crowded party that is clearly out is  saying “my friend lives here.” Fridges are a scavengers best friend (for food purposes as well). Rando beers are common and this place is a goldmine.

5.     Buy booze with weaker drinkers

Here is another techinque that should be exercised when dealer with younger kids. The only problem is, younger kids have the tendency to give a shit about money and quantity. Try and buy booze with kids that are going to clearly be your bitch for the night. This provides you the opportunity to get real hammered and to stay hammered after the party ends. Worst comes to worst, it can hold you off and buys you time to employ other techniques.

4.      Do Stupid Challenges/Bets for Booze

This is a great way to impress people and get free booze. It is one way to warm up to #9 (that guy).  Bets are normally stupid and involve a lot of drinking at one time. If booze does not a reward, then find something funny to do. (Get Papa Johns naked, rig beerhunter etc…. ). This will at least gain respect and a reputation so that people will admire your antics and reward you with booze.

3.    Overbuy

I know this seems likes common sense, but college-aged drinker need to think like Walmart executives. You need to buy in bulk and overrbuy to make sure you have enough booze for the night. Enough with buying a 12. Buy a 30s. Enough with chaunceys buying a liter, buy a handle.  A new technique adopted by myself and my crew has been buying a “warm up 12.” Buy the monster things of Jack Daniels instead of the smaller bottle. Odds are, you will be drinking it down the line. It also helps you save money.

2.       Avoid Santa Claus Syndrome/ Find Santa Claus

Santa Claus Syndrome can be deadly to a man’s night. The only time it is excusable is before 10 and to vets and girls only. (preferrably good looking). When you start giving out beers just for the sake of it, your booze stats can dwindle severely. Make sure to keep your beers in a safe container where they are not open to the visible eye. Nothing worse than seeing yourself get less that 50 percent than what you bargained for.

On the flipside, find Santa Clauses. I like to think of it as patience and knowing the game. You don’t want to routinely be involved or mooch off the same Santa Claus. Mix it up, but also look at your scouting reports. This involves offering to buy for other people when you go on a run. That way, they are subconsciously grateful and feel the need to repay you. What better way than to sit on his (probably not a her) and make him your Santa Claus.

1.         Wounded Soldiers

This is normally an act of desperation, but the most consistent way to find booze late night. Parties are normally ripe with wounded guys, so swallow your bravado and indulge. You can easily skim a good 3 to 4 beers in a matter of minutes. All it takes is some dedication and a good stomach.


May 26, 2011. Jads. 2 comments.

Top Ten NFL Helmets by Chrispness

Over the years most NFL franchises have had some pretty serious changes to their helmet designs. Maybe these wouldn’t be as crispy if teams hadn’t changed their designs, but these are still some fresh looking lids. Here are the ten best helmets in NFL history

10. 81-96 Houston Oilers

Powder blue: generally underutilized color

This is a classic helmet from the oilers before they pussied out of the astrodome and moved to Nashville. It was donned by some of the NFL’s all time greats like Earl Campbell and Warren Moon as they tore up their division in the 80s . This is a classic helmet with a logo thats pure swag.

9. 69-72 Eagles

Silver helmet with green wings. Enough said. If the Eagles coupled this dome with their current uniforms, I think teams might forfeit out of intimidation. Desean Jackson could break the land speed record wearing this one. The league might have actually outlawed this one due to the unfair advantage it would give.

8. 56 Colts

The logo is on the back. Its so simple, but so ingenious. I honestly can’t think of another time where the logo has been exclusively on the back of the helmet. This look makes the white helmets look even cleaner, and with the classically simple (and unchanged) uniforms of the Colts this helmet looked like pure fire.

7. 90-00 Falcons

Falcons started rocking this lid just before drafting Favre in 91. It was a staunch change from their previous red helmets with a black stripe and logo. With this helmet and an alternate jersey the falcons could have had a dope blackout uniform. But even with traditional red jerseys this helmet is pretty badass.

6. 76 Cowboys

Red white and blue domes for Americas Team. Just the slightest of changes for the bicentennial, and the head honcho in charge of uniform design for the cowboys struck gold. (seriously otherwise the dude has one of the easiest jobs in sports… ‘boys have had the same uniform since the 60 when they joined as an expansion team).

5. 74-83 Bills

fastest looking buffalo out there

This is the uniform that superstar in rent-a-car OJ Simpson just destroyed the entire AFC wearing (if you don’t know that ad campaign its marketing gold). Jim Kelly also snuck in on the tail end of this helmet in 83. The standing buffalo helmet was lame. The red helmets are pussy in comparison. This is one of the few good things ever to befall the Bills organization (4 lost super bowls doesn’t count)

4. Pre 1996 Bucs

This 76 expansion team just exploded onto the scene rocking a gay jack sparrow on their orange helmets. The dude’s name is officially “bucco Bruce”, which literally sounds like the name of the prostitute I hired last night (wait what did I say that out loud?) But in all seriousness while this helmet wasn’t scaring anyone away it looks straight cash homey.

3. 60-62 Texans

Before the original Texans were from Houston (and were on their first expansion), they sneakily had the cleverest helmet in the game. Want to know where you are? Want to know who you’re playing? Boom its right in front if your fucking face with a detailed map.

2. Patriots until 1992

Does anyone really like that new elvis looking logo more than pat patriot? Pat patriot belongs to that almost lost era of Narragansett lager, Geno Cappelletti and John Hannah. I love brady and welker, bruschi and the rest as much as the next guy but they would look fresher for sure rocking a pat patriot logo.

1. 61-73 chargers

Some helmets have logos on the side. Some have numbers. This one has both.

May 25, 2011. Anonymous. Leave a comment.

Fresh Rap from Tavonne and Crew

Here is a fresh rap by a true vet and member of Top Ten by Gentlemen, Tavonne

May 23, 2011. Tavonne. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Items That You Can Easily Get for Free by Jadams

We all hear people talking about how rough the economy is and with the prices at the gas pump, every penny needs to be saved. Many available items can easily be obtained free of charge with some skillfully planning and slight thievery.

This list is meant to impart some wisdom and open up doors for strategies to get these things without paying a penny.

How do you think this guy got rich?

10.        Coffee

Current Price for a Pound of Coffee at Dunkin Donuts: $7.99

This may seem like a no-brainer, but coffee is very easy to get for free. The best places to target our hotels, doctor’s offices, and fast food joints that have machines that are not monitored. I, in particular, prefer fast food places (Duchess is the best, only in CT), but hotel lobbies are a great spot as well. The trick is, bring your own mug. When no one is looking, there is no line, or simply in broad daylight, bring your own coffee mug to one of these places on your way to work or when you need it the most. Fill up there and even take the pleasure of using their cream and sugar. Don’t have a mug, no problem. Most fast joints will give you a free water cup, so you can simply use the free water cup as a way to get free coffee (See later post for better use).

9.     Bottles and Cans

This may seem like a bum move, but it can be an effective way to make nothing into something. Especially in college when beer cans litter dorm rooms and halls, cans can easily amount to quick easy money. I would also recommend using gloves or hand protection when dealing with alcoholic beverages. An easy storage unit is finding a durable box or even a trash bag.

In college, (Bates) target freshman dorms where kids are most likely trying to get rid of their evidence to avoid trouble. But you can even start a collection bin in your own room or house. Do not throw them away and watch the nickels pour into your empty wallets. Think of it this way: You pay an extra 1.50 for every 30 you buy. Based on yourself and one buddy, you go through approx. 2 30s a weekend. In one month that is already 12 bucks just by yourself. If you pool in with 2 other people, thats 24 bucks a month.

Essentially, for every 16 30’s you drink thats 1 free plus so change and thats from your own money. Bottom line, thats additional 10-12 30s a year that you get for free.

With a little thievery as well, keg shells are 30 dollars for return. Sneak into a frat house or a big party the day after the crime and you can make an extra 60 bucks right there.

FOR BATES KIDS: Don’t want to go through the hassle of putting the cans through that stupid machine? Go to Rooper’s. They count the cans for you so you don’t have to do it yourself. They take keg shells from you on command and it is a very simple process. Remember hard alcohol and wine bottles go for 15 cents a pop so keep your eye out for those as well.

8.     Be Smart with Your Purchases, Use available pennies.

We can all admit that change is very useless. It lingers in your pocket. Nothing is better than having cold hard dolla bills. Save the change from your transactions but also make full use of the take a penny leave a penny syndrome. Make full use of the small change like a purchase of 3.07 and take all the pennies from the location. Its much better to have 2 dollars (5 dollar bill) or not have to use that extra buck.

7.    Pens and Pencils

The amount of money spent of pens and pencils is uncalled for in my opinion. Banks and other shops always have free ones or writing implements that can easily be taken advantage of. Another technique is to keep the pen after signing a check or receipt. This may seem petty, but it is a great way to ensure you always have a pen on hand. Nobody wants to be that guy always asking for pens in class. From a nice place, it could be a way to snipe a banging pen that could be your go-to for a while.

6.    Infamous Soda Cup Routine/ Stealing cups

Like in the coffee case, you can save big at fast food joints by just asking for a water cup or bringing your own cup there. It’s a simple thing everyone tends to forget. Now, a true camoflauging technique is to acquire a cup from each fast food place. It is basically an insurance policy in case the scene gets hot, wires get tapped, all that nonsense. Water cups are normally small, but are always a good back up plan to get that free soda.

Another great manuever is stealing cups from restaurants or bars. Clean cups are sometimes hard to come by, so an easy way to collect dozens of souvenirs is to take from bars when they aren’t looking. Its always good to have a chick as a wingman because of their purse, but from restaurants it could be easy as sliding it into your pants or coat. (It’s a good idea to bring baggy pants, a coat with a good, deep inside pocket, and wear a belt).

5.       Stealing food/beer (technically speaking)

Big house parties are usually goldmines, but sometimes tricky to pull off with such large crowds. Stealing quality food items may be hard to come by, but its a solid opportunity to pick up some free grub (as long as they aren’t your friends). You just have to keep your head on a swivel at all times.

On the same lines, this next move is for vets only. At a supermarket, go to the check out aisle, check out, but make sure not to bag everything. Say to the clerk that you forgot something (like solo cups), return to the store (before exiting) with the same cart. You know have reins to pick up a couple small items without anybody noticing. A 30 in this case might be excessive. Duplicate an item you already have in the cart. Let’s say pick up a 12 of Natty Ice originally and pick up another while you are on your post-trip throughout the store. This must be plotted out secretly (most of the time cups are near the beer) so time is sometimes of the essence to make it believable. Simply return to the checkout aisle (Same one as before) and hand the clerk the item you said you were getting (cups). They will not check the rest of your already, non bagged items, so anything added in will blend in with other items. You walk out the door with some free beer or other misc. items.

4.         Lost and Found

Lost and Found areas are like tag sales. They are great ways to find those items that you need but do not want to pay anything for. I recommend libraries and gyms. Say you’ve lost something or simply go through the stuff. Just make sure to stay away from personalized objects or something with names. You can only play this manuever occasionally, but you can swipe some filler items for nothing.

3.       Movie Tickets

This depends a lot on the venue, but sneaking into movies is a relatively easy job. You can always bring old movie stubs to fool the people checking out your tickets. That or go through the exit aisle. Your head needs to be on a swivel, but with good (or even average timing) you can get in for free. Worst-case scenario, you pull the bathroom excuse.  Nonetheless, movie tickets are 10, 11 a pop. Don’t make that mistake again. (Bring in candy and other items as well).

If you really feel like shelling out money and you are in a large group, have one person buy a ticket, then have him or her let the rest of the crew in through the exit in the front. Nobody checks this and you minimize the cost of movies that would be slapped on a group by only paying for one ticket.

2.         Movies/Music/Youtube

This is not original in the slightest, but this is a no-brainer. You do the direct way, use torrents. Just download Vuze or another torrent app. This takes up memory, but most of the downloads are reliable and won’t get you viruses (Especially for Macs).

Another great option is using a YouTube to mp3 converter. Save that dollar from Itunes or however you pay for music. There are plenty of sites that hook it up and convert YouTube URL’s into mp3 for Itunes. This, however, can lead to viruses.

The best technique is to go to the library. You can get CDs and DVDS for free. All you have to do is upload them onto to your computer then return them. Many libraries have a lot of options and can be an easy way to pick up free music.

For movies, Netflix on demand is great. Just borrow somebody’s username and password. That, or simply create a group account. It has everything and is certainly a great investment.

1.     Phone Chargers

Phone chargers are very easy to lose, we’ve all done it. When staying at a hotel, just claim you have lost your charger or need to borrow it at the front desk. Many times, the receptionist will give you one for free. Just pocket it. To avoid problems, ask a different recpetionist for the charger than when you check out, just in case the wily vet calls you out for not returning it.

Note: These may seem stupid, well-known, or risky. To save money, however, just using some of these could easily cut expenses.

May 23, 2011. Jads. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Dunkers of All-Time by Jadams

With recent rise of Blake Griffin and his numerous appearances on SportsCenter’s Top Ten, great dunkers have gotten more respect. There is nothing more exhillarating in sports than a thunderous jam or an incrdible alley-oop. That said, dunking has long been considered an art. Some critics enjoy a small guy (Spud Webb or Nate Robinson) because of their in-flight acrobatics while others tend to love the frequency and power of big men (Shaq, Dwigth Howard and others).

In this list, I would like to balance the two elements together that justifies the two attributes. Also, many of the legendary dunkers existed before Gus Johnson and viral YouTube videos. Anyway, here is my take on the best dunkers to ever lace shoes up.

Honorable Mention:

Because ten is such a limiting number, here are some dunkers who barely missed my list:

Dominque Wilkins

He has a powerful style and has one of the best two handed jams I have ever seen. He even has a great haircut and a popular throwback jersey. A legendary 80s dunker.

T-Mac

Tracy Mcgrady has faded into a category of NBA players who simply don’t deserved big contracts for their performances on the court. T-Mac, however, ruled the court in his heyday. Who can forget his early Magic days where he came out of nowhere to make a couple of playoffs (as 8 or 7 seeds). He won a scoring title and also had a great pair of shoes that every 8 or 9th grader owned. Who knows what he could have done if he and Grant Hill were healthy at the same time. Like Grant, his career has been rattled by injuries. Would the Magic ended up with Dwight Howard, though, if those 2 were healthy?

Anyway, here are some highlights.

Rudy Gay:

Excuse me for my UCOnn bias, but every time Rudy is on a breakaway I get out of my seat. He can do is classic one-handed dunkachino or go two hands in traffic. A great finesse dunker with a lot of swag. (Just look at his dunk on Scola)

Josh Smith:

He is a great all around athlete. He can be found among the top leaders in every statistical category. His versatility and long frame make him an ideal defender and fast break finisher. My only grievance is his lack of stylistic approach. He only does the one-handed left jam. It looks good, but it won’t land you in the top ten.

Blake Griffin:

Sorry Blake but one year of dominance cannot push you past seasoned all-time greats. Sure, what you did was incredible, but your dunk over the car was nothing to sneeze at. Also, you won Rookie of the Year in your second year. You have a bright future, but for now, your just an honorable mention.

J-Rich

Personally, I think he is one of the best alley-oop dunkers. He can catch it, contort, and throw it down reverse. He has impressed mightily in the dunk contests. But, Lebron did block you when you tried a 360 (and he’s from Michigan State). A great breakaway dunker.

Kobe

It’s very difficult to not put Kobe in, but he has lost some of his early dunking abilities. He certainly was a force in his early days, but now I feel he is less aggressive. His dunk against the Knicks is one my favorites and when he had the fro going, his 360s were awesome. I do love his n64 video game NBA courtside. With so many greats, I had to leave him out.

Now the list

10.        Darryl Dawkins

The term “rim-rattler” was invented by Mr. Dawkins. His power took the league by storm. In my opinion, he revolutionized the power slam. He broke many backboards and was afraid of no one. Number 7 and Number 2 on the following list, best represent his dunking style.

9.          Shawn Kemp

Kemp deserved a T after every dunk. I love his post-dunk celebrations. He had power, charisma, and hangtime . The Kemp jersey is a popular throwback jersey and for good reason. I love his style, haircut, and simply because he played with Detlemp Schrempf. He did a lot with his legs in the air and could jump over anyone. He was pretty overrated in his day and I feel like it due to his impressive leaping abilites + attitude. It’s too bad he screwed up his otherwise promising career.

8.     Clyde Drexler

The Glide definitely deserved his nickname. He had endless hangtime and looked so smooth. He his legacy was highly underrated and had great natural talent. He is another popular throwback jersey. I love his style and grace. A “classy dunker” in my books. Some of the greatest windmills and one-handers, he bodied up longer defenders and had plenty of facials.

7.        Shaq

My favorite NBA personality, Shaq is one of the best centers in NBA history. He has rings, scoring titles, and has the imposing frame of any big man in history. In high school, he showed off some finesse, but in the NBA he was known for power (and his free throw shooting ability). He also tore down the rim and probably has the most dunks in NBA history. He has kind of been a chauncey later in his career, posting minimal minutes. The dude just needs to retire. Nevertheless, an astounding dunker.

6.      Lebron

Lebron is a freak athlete but an idiot off the court. The Decision is a shame to all lovers of sports. Nonetheless, he has a great dunking style. He is afraid of no one and can finish with both hands. It’s hard to argue his prowess and knack for being in the right place at the right time. Like the rest of the sports world, I hope he chokes in his championship bid this year.

5.      David Thompson

This is where the list gets hard. I must, however, pay tribute to another great early dunker. Thompson represented the ABA and NBA and has a great natural talent. He could score from everywhere (including a 71 point explosion). I love his style and grace. He is forgotten in the world of dunking, but there is a reason why he is number 5.  He touched the top of the backboard as well. Also, another great throwback jersey purchase. An artisan of the tip slam and reverse dunk.

4.   Dwight Howard

The dude is an absolute man-child. Before it all said and done, he will probably retire as the leader of dunks in NBA history. No one can compete with his length and athleticism. If he can smell the rim, he is flushing it. I only wish that he would keep his blocks in play. He is a defensive force and probably will win another 3 or 4 defensive players of the year. He is ferocious, but not a great scorer. Sure he puts 20, but has a very limited skill set and cannot shoot very well. I would like to see him drive more and adapt a more useful hook shot. An untouchable athlete though

3.      MJ

Not much too say here. I personally don’t like the asshole, but he is undoubtedly the greatest player ever. I hate his Hall of Fame acceptance speech, but what else can you expect from a great competitor. I did love it when he choked in the all-star game on a one-handed attempt when he was with the Wizards. He was a specialist at owning Patrick Chewing,  Enjoy:

2.     DR. J

He was the original SportsCenter dunker. I love his style and ability to change directions in the air. He was fearless and could cradle the ball like no other. Another great throwback jersey buy. He won some rings and could also score. He also produced Jen Capriati, a tennis dime. Dr. J was a dunker before his time and made the dunk to be the highlight play that it is today.

and finally

1.       Vince Carter

His various array of dunks make him the best dunker of all time. He could do anything. Vince could power slam in traffic, do mindmills in traffic, could 360 in traffic and could catch any alley-oop. On the breakaway, the possibilities were endless. In the dunk contest he produced timeless flushes and very original takes on the 360’s. The best dunk of all time is by far his dunk over the Knicks 15th overall draft pick  the legendary Frederick Weis. Words cannot explain his athelticsm and dunking capabilites.

Here it is, the best dunker of all-time, Vinsanity

May 23, 2011. Jads. Leave a comment.

Top 10 On the Air Meltdowns by Shea

To preface this list, I went for a nice medley between interview freak outs, full on fluster sessions, and just plain old people blowing it. Some you’ve seen and some not, but this list will make the Japan reactor meltdowns look like nothing.

10. Leaf Me Alone

I put this short meltdown in for some key reasons. First off he’s not even getting the formal interview in front of the stage, it’s just a joe shmoe by his locker with a pen and pad. Secondly this guy clearly has the maturity of a 12 year old if his teammates need to be running over and restraining him. As if he’s gunna pull out a gun or something.

This is the same guy who is arguable the biggest bust of all-time (another list for another day). In his rookie year he threw 2 TD’s and 15 INT’s with a 39.0 passer rating (8 fumbles to boot). Guess the reporter read him his stats or something.

9. Chris Berman

This is the kind rant that you know he rehearsed in his head and just was smacking his lips waiting for someone to fuck up. I clocked 5 on the “Jesus” count. He had some classic rant tactics too in this. The “whole hearted” apology mid rant (33 seconds) to go with the “I actually cant believe what I just saw” (53 seconds). Boomer you old dog, where Tom Jackson to chill you out when you need him.

8. Ms. Teen South Carolina

Well, I personally believe that this is simply too easy to rip apart. It’s simply overwhelming the amount of material to touch base on. Can we start with the fact that she says “US Americans”. What other kind did you have in mind. And I’m pretty sure most of South Africa is a first world country. Yeah it’s not perfect , but you’re trying to lump em in with Iraq? Danny Archer would be furious.

7. Mike Gundy

Mike Gundy. Man of the players. This wasn’t even meltdown til about 1:20. He really was making a good point until he insisted the reporters knew his age to a tee. I’m surprised he didn’t whip out his birth certificate as exhibit A. The man did get love at the end with his “Makes me want to puke” one liner, followed by applause? When do we see that at the end of a meltdown. Only from a vet like Gundy.

6. Jim Rome/Everett

Rome pulled a Peyton Manning with the “Check that” at the line of scrimmage. Props to Everett though, even though he should have knocked him out. Did more damage to the table. But Rome does have some balls on him I’ll give him that.

5. Matt Damon on Jimmy Kimmell

This got the #5 spot because you really never see a guy of Damon’s composure freak like he did. Especially to a chump like Kimmel. Well apparently he fucked Sarah Silverman who was Kimmel’s girlfriend at the time in response. Don’t know why a clown like Kimmel would war with a vet like Damon.

4. Boom Goes the Dynomite

Flustered – Verb: to put into a state of agitated confusion: His constant criticism flustered me.

One of my favorite moments is when he mouths “I’m so sorry” into the camera (1:20). Really just a savage meltdown here. He saved himself from the #1 spot with his signature “Boom goes the dynomite”. Everyone needs a trademark. The pronunciations of the AP all american team are priceless.

3. Denny Green

Three quick questions coach Green.

1. Who were they?

2. Did you happen to crown them?

3. And finally, did you or did you not let them off the hook?

My favorite part of our #3 meltdown is not just the amazing exit, but Grossman’s stats run on the bottom line during the interview. 14-37, 148yds and 4 INT’s. That’s Charlie Sheen’s new definition of Winning.

2.  No name stroke reporter

No it was not a stroke. She simply melted the fuck down. This is one of my new favorites when it comes to people blowing it. Can we get a Rosetta Stone for the final rant (17-20 sec)? Girl literally was speaking tongues.

I can see her future career right now:

Derison, derison, a bi a bu abit. From the Staples Center, I’m Serene Branson. ESPN”

1. Bill O’Reilly

One of the biggest 0 to 60 moments I’ve ever seen. All he simply had to do was ask what “To play us out” meant. This got the #1 spot simply due to the asshole level of the rant. “We’ll do it live”, acting like he’s some sort of expert when he fucked up twice. And his smile at the end, even while holding in all that rage is simply priceless.

Moral of this list is don’t be a chauncey and get flustered.

May 20, 2011. Shea. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Guilty Pleasure Songs by chrispness

Everyone has those songs they like to mosh to alone in their room. You have those little songs that you like to get down to in private, but would be publically ridiculed for knowing every word to. Here is my list. Ridicule away.

10. Tech N9ne That Box

best line: the pussy was fine but it had a lil stink / ugh / had to back up off her / due to the smell in think my dick got soft

This cleverly crafted ode to female genitals is one of my favorites. With lines like that its hard to believe that tech n9ne is raping and not the poet laureate of the United States. But with a beat that’s super banging and a hook that’s catchy as hell is hard not to sing along.

9. Shewolf Shakira

AWOOOOO. This song completely made this list because a) shakira is hot as fuck b) her dances make my danger zone tingle c) she has a pink glitter cave. I’m not going to lie if you want to see a horrifying sight roll by room at about 10 pm on a Saturday and you will probably see me shakira dancing. This track is electric though

8. Hillary Duff Fly

I grew up with that little skank lizzie mcguire all over my tv. Now ten years later shes just crushing the AT40 charts with songs like this that are pure fire. If I need some inspiration to take on the day this track gets 6-15 plays on repeat.

7. Bottoms Up Keke Palmer

This song is sneakily an absolute party banger. Complete with its little choreographed dance routine this track makes a room go crazy no fail. And by that I mean a room full of 14 year old girls. Or I mean me alone in my own room. Either way is fine.

6. Sk8r Boi Avril Lavigne

I was once a sk8r boi, and sincerely believed that Avril’s little emo ass would come scoop me up some day and be the sugar momma I always needed. Little chrispness’ beliefs were wildly misguided, but nonetheless I still love listening to this song. With a sound almost like blink-182 and a chorus that is catchy as hell, I’m sure more people than would like to admit it know the words to this classic

5. Wannabe Spice Girls

I can tell you what I want what I really really want: for the entire song to just be the really fast part. I’m just completely confused by the lyrics in the rest of the song… “If you want to be my lover you have to get with my friends”. I tried that once, and contrary to the solid advice in this song it didn’t work out. I just ended up confused and alone with a bottle of hand lotion.

4. Hard in da Paint Remix rick ross feat. Tyga

best line: “14 fuck school I’m a rapper dawg”

There is a legitimate chance that this song is the most ignorant track ever recorded. From ross’ intro expounding upon the cars that he owns, his bragging about the money he makes, all the way down to Tyga exclaiming that he has no need for education because of his rapping skill. Like who is Tyga trying to fool here the guy has one song. (coconut juice, its honorable mention for this list)

3. Friday Rebecca Black

Fuck everyone that feels the need make fun of this song and talk about how bad it is. Stats don’t lie bro. This thing has 143 million views on youtube so all of you assholes out there clearly also like this song and know all of the words. Cut the bullshit about how you just listen because its bad. Mark my words Rebecca Black is going to be bigger than the Beatles.

2. Pocket full of sunshine Natasha Bedingfield

This might be the single most inspirational song on my i-pod. When I really need that last little bit of inspiration to knock out 5 more minutes on the elliptical I crank up the volume and listen to this baby. (did I just admit to riding an elliptical?) But seriously her voice is butter and this song gets stuck in your head for days.

1. See You Again Miley Cyrus

This song has been a favorite of mine for a few years. First place by miles (see what i did there?), its without a doubt in my top 25 most played on itunes. Miley recorded this back when she was still young and pure, not on her way to becoming another E true Hollywood story. Her lyrical genius in this song is uncompromised, as she literally stutters when she think about the situation. And she drops an absolutely classic excuse for her behavior: just being miley. How come just being chrispness isn’t an excuse to get away with anything?

May 20, 2011. chrispness. Leave a comment.

Top Ten Characters from the Wire by Jadams

Warning do not read if you are in the process or would like to watch the Wire, one of the best TV shows ever. 

The HBO show the Wire ran 5 seasons and has been critically acclaimed for its real-life portrayal of how society functions in Baltimore. It exposes the ugliness of bureaucracy in politics and how it connects to the governance of the city. Corrupted leaders dominate the political sphere and are two-faced. Being re-elected has to do with the execution of policy, most specifically crime. The police department, with conjunction with political leaders, is controlled by the stats and the avoidance of bad publicity. As a result, the police department deflects attention away from major crimes and focuses on filling the stat sheet with petty arrests. This allows drug lords to flourish as long as they are careful and out of the limelight by letting their name dictate their legacy. The Wire exposes the drug scene and how it coincides with the legal, political, and educational matters.

In the end, to survive the conditions of Baltimore, you must manipulate the game. These characters know the game and its complexities.

10.             Horseface

I had to start off with a somewhat humorous character/nickname. Horseface is one of the domineering legacy figures on the docks in the port. His unwavering loyalty to Frank Sobotka and the Union of stevedores made him a very likeable/goofy character. His dry sense of crude humor defined his personality. He was also the chief officer of many of the dock’s dirty moves.

Reasoning for his nickname? Just look at him

9.                    Lester Freamon

Lester is the rock of the police force. His cool demeanor mixed with uncanny resourcefulness makes him the ideal policemen. He prides himself on “real police work” and is good police. Not to mention he bangs an ex-stripper that is probably less than half his age. He is always piecing together clues to determine drug dealers next moves. He also piles up loads of leverage against political figures (Clay Davis Sheeeeeet). He is caught up in the moral dilemna of the 5th season, but it is his knowledge of the police game that outshines most of the other detectives (he is kind of a nerd in my book because he knows so much about wiretaps and other even picture phones).

8.               Bunk Moreland

The only reason Bunk is not up higher is because he is too main of a character (if that is possible). Bunk is a tragicomic figure who is constantly toiling with police work and how much the police department sucks. He is always a homicide detective and is considered a sage. His jarring and hysterical retorts add to his magnificent police work. He is very loyal, plays the game, knows the game, and does not stray from chain of command. He also is a huge lightweight, but is always trying to get fucked up. He secretly loves police work (and cigars).

He went to Edmoundson and played lacrosse. Omar: “You was the first black to pick up one of those….uh… sticks.”

7.               Avon Barksdale

Avon is an original West Side gangster. He comes from a lineage of drug dealers, but he comes to own the most important drug territory in Baltimore. He truly knows the game, probably better than anyone. Although he can retire and retreat to a life of business after serving time in prison, he recognizes his personality and character and honors the inner-gangster in himself. He is smooth, cunning, and always a step ahead of everyone. He is also from Remember the Titans. Overall, Avon earned his corners and he will not concede them for anything.

6.               Brother Mouzone


Nobody fucks with Brother Mouzone. He seems to be an Urkel-like chauncey on the outside, but do not let looks deceive you. He is a mercenary who is used as emergency muscle for Avon against the East side. He is a Brother of Islam who frequently reads magazines of high education. He certainly knows the game, yet ultimately, he’s a full out gangster. He demonstrates this by taking a hit from Omar, then teaming up with him to inevitably take down Stringer Bell. I would love to see Omar and Brother Mouzone in an old Western duel. I would definitely pick him in the Wire Video Game.

5.          Deacon

Believe it or not, the deacon in the Wire is actually an ex-Baltimore drug lord, Melvin Williams. This is a cool twist to the series. I love the Deacon in the series because of his oversight and religious approach to the game (AME). He has as much of an impact in political races as anyone else, but it is his approachable personality that makes him valuable character. He sets the paths for both Cutty and Colvin to help the troubled youth of Baltimore. He is a true agent of social justice. He even knows how to hustle young uns in billiards as well.

4.              The Greek

The Greek is a wily, untouchable figure. He is an experienced player in the game and knows how to avoid police while still negotiating massive drug dealers. He is the chief supplier to Baltimore’s drug game. He also calculates every move perfectly (i.e. FBI agent on his side). He’s never public, goes through other people (Spiros) and cannot be touched. He also shows off a mean streak by killing a Turkish guy at the beginning of the second season, which turns out to be a crucial move.  He’s not even Greek to boot.

3.        Prop Joe

     

Prop Joe is a very respectable drug lord. He knows the game and he keeps tabs on everyone. He knows what everyone is doing and why. His slick deal-making and ability to understand the conditions of the game, make him a great drug leader. He has the connection to the Greek while also having an informant who slips him indictments within the legal system. His one-liners are priceless and his first appearance on the show is great (he’s coaching the eastside basketball team while swindling Avon out of money).

2.              Cutty

Cutty is my favorite story within the Wire. He resembles a truly rounded figure of Baltimore. His hardcore nature and nose for blood earlier in life made him a loyal member of Avon’s crew. He did countless murders. When he returned from jail, he faced a life or death decision that many gangsters repeat. He tempted himself with the lures of the street life (Getting high, returning to the corner, women, and even the opportunity to kill) but shunned it away and started from the ground up. He wanted to live respectably but could not figure out how to do it. He started out by lowering himself to Mexican, immigrant labor, but he wanted more. He then channeled his love for boxing into a constructive forum for Baltimore’s youth. He supervised young uns and pulled them off the street in order to reconfigure their impressionable minds. He battled with street life but he consciously knew that the life he once had need to be left in the past. He mentored and stuck up for young uns without a voice. He also banged hot moms, was jacked, and got shot for the sake of a kid that he wanted to fix.

1.            Butchie

Nobody on the series is a bigger vet than Butchie. His knowledge of the game is unparralleled. He is a living historian of Baltimore and the social environment of the drug game. He seems to know the dirt on everyone and provides priceless advice on all occasions. He is a walking one-line jukebox and his metaphors speak the truth to anyone. He has a great laugh, and you know when he is laughing that something is truly fucking funny (his finger story told to Omar). He also does not squeal when being tortured (i literally cried when it happened). Overall, he is the biggest vet that does not need all the senses to have a true grasp of the game

May 20, 2011. Jads. 2 comments.

Top 10 n64 Games by Jadams

It’s quite the daunting task to try and tackle the greatest video game system of all-time. It’s longevity and popularity has created 4 hour games of Jeopardy! as well as Mario Party. Then, of course, it provides those quick, short games that could decide who goes to buy beer for the night (See Super Smash Bros and Mario Tennis). Nevertheless, I feel there are many omissions that could make any “Top 10 game list” for other systems. It’s like trying to say who the most evil angel is, it simply is pressing.

Anyway, here is my effort.

10.                               Mario Golf

Dont mess with a plumber with clubs


The list starts out with an instant classic. The characters are traditional Mario jokesters, but also add some new additions such as Charlie and Harry. It’s made for multiple players (not that fun much by yourself, but you have to beat it in order to get the real good characters). Once mastered, you can be shooting 15 under with Metal Mario while taunting the shit out of your friends.

Way to make it a drinking game: Match play: Loser chugs a designated amount for every hole lost (I would do a half beer per hole). If a hole is a tie, both drink.   Stroke play: loser drinks the amount of beers by the amount of strokes he loses by. This can be done in 6 hole segments or in a “big bertha” fashion (all at the end).

9.                      Golden Eye

We all know the douche bag who picked Oddjob

Goldeneye is Halo and Call of Duty on steroids. It like a Clint Eastwood movie compared to the new school, uber cool FPS. This was the ultimate 4th grade sleepover party’s dream game. Nothing was more satisfying than killing someone with a Klobb and nothing more annoying than playing with someone who never takes their finger off the trigger when using the infamous Moonraker laser. Best level was the Complex, but all arenas were fun, especially when you knew where the sick guns were at (Shields were for pussies). Awards at the end are also classic

Drinking game: Lots of ways to tackle this one. Most effective, though, is making the loser drink a beer (if its close) or chug for the amount of seconds he loses by. With 4 people, the winner chooses the order of who drinks (Personally I go by the awards at the end i.e. Most cowardly receives the worst punishment). Anyone who plays as oddjob and loses must chug entire beers though.

8.              Super Smash Bros.

Nothing worse than getting caught in DK's pit

I might get a lot of complaints on this placement. This game, I can truthfully admit, has taken hours away from my life. There is never just “one last game.” I have seen grown men cry and hissy fits thrown over whether or not to play with weapons. When balanced, all characters can exploit others weaknesses and get the KO counts up. Many college kids could receive a Ph.D. in Smash. It’s a cultural revolution to some.

Nonetheless, it is simply overplayed. People restrict n64 to strictly “smashing” and fail to explore other options.  Two years ago, this would undoubtedly my #1 but it has faded in my ranks. Still, there is nothing better than seeing a rookie play with fox and endless shoot the shit out a vet (like pikachu).

Drinking game: Tons of options here. There is the all so deadly, shot per death, but I have come up with a point system to balance out the drinking.

1st place is nice, but the name of the game is KOs.

1st in KOs drinks for as many seconds as his KOs. 2nd place drinks for his kills + he doubles the difference of between himself and the leader and drinks for that many seconds. 3rd follows the the same way except triples the differences and the same pattern follows for 4th. Ex. Jadams gets 8 kills, Tyler gets 1 kill, Javvy gets 2 kills, and Shea gets 4 kills. Jadams drinks for 8, Tyler for 29, Javvy for 20, Shea for 12.

7.             Donkey Kong 64

What's better than Golden Bannanas?


Who can deny Tiny Kong, Lanky, and Chunky into the simian superstars of Nintendo? With five different characters, working together to collect 200 Golden Bannanas (stars), the game is simply addicting. It has a great storyline, fun minigames, and cool twists that keep the game fresh and lively. Plus, I have an extreme bias for DK.

Drinking game: An underrated aspect of the game is the multiplayer mode. Play in a small battle arena and it can become a great pregame. Drink every time you lose a full watermelon and like in other games, the winner gets to drink upon their leisure the rest drink according to their rank in the standings.

6.                      NFL Blitz (entire series)

Shit don't change for the Cowboys

Blitz is one of the best strategy games on the market. The problem is, every game is a virtual deadlock because of the “Blitz effect.” The winning team is automatically put at a disadvantage by the computer players and always seem to fumble or throw a magical pick to make the game more even. The quarters are only 2 minutes long, so the game are quick, but the intensity makes this game one of the greats. “Da Bomb” is a great play call, but with creative passing and limited running, anything, i mean anything, can happen. A true Blitz fiend marks his greatness by his defense and ability to rush with the quarterback. (Author’s Note: I actually pulled off my first Blitz shutout this year)

Drinking Game: If you give up a touchdown you drink. If you lose by a touchdown you chug a beer. Lose by 2? Chug 2. Follow the pattern.

5.                  Star Fox

Slippy gets straight dome

Although I have only briefly dabbled, Star Fox is a great shooting game. With timeless characters, great play-by-play commentary, and a great storyline, it is a neccesity for all true n64 vets. Kids with their first person shooters these days don’t have shit on Fox McCloud and gang.        

Drinking game: Too long a game, but get creative with shooting accuracy and whatnot.

4.                Mario Tennis

Boo at the net? We'll see

Another game I have spent countless hours/days playing.   Mario Tennis is a brilliantly designed strategy game. Play at the net, you are taking a risk, playing in the back, you are going to get played at the net. With virtually no out calls, the game a great pace, and different character features that make games competitive. Serving dictates success. Being able to get that key ace with the good camera angle can destroy opponents. With Boo’s tricky serve and Waluigi’s speed (and all-out creepiness), team games are a blast. DK is by far the most coveted player, but other standard nintendo characters carry their weight. I’ve seen kids cry over a big match, not to mention intense pit stains.

Drinking game: If you get aced, you drink. If you get broken, you drink. If your player gets hit on the dome, you drink. If you lose the match, you drink. You can add incentives and other twists to make it interesting, but those are the basics.

3.                 Zelda

When most college age kids are asked, what video game did you beat first? Many answer, Zelda: Ocarina of Time. A game that seems endless and years to finish, can now be finished in a week of non-stop play. It is that addicting to those who have already beaten it giving it a second go-around. The plot is enchanting and gameplay is incredible. A true classic.

Drinking game: Go at your own leisure, this game is too good to be hammered for.

2.           Wayne Gretzky (first version 96)

If you’ve never played before, you need to see a local head doctor, you will need years of intense treatment. On the cover it mentions 3D hockey, that is a true testament to its old school greatness. It is 3 on 3 hockey with scores easily reaching double digits in 2 minute periods. It includes the “blitz effect” and the likeable fights. True Gretzky players can score on will and land perfect hits. Intricate passing is the way to score (one-timers). With up and down games, players turning on fire, and absolutely hysterical commentary, this is the best sports game I have ever played.

Drinking Game:  If you give up a goal you take a sip (there will be lots). If you lose a fight, you chug a beer. At the end of the game, if you lose by more than one goal, you drink a beer. 2 goals, you drink one and a half. 3 goals = 2 beers. Follow the pattern from there (nobody should lose by more than 2 goals).

1.                  Mario Party

Get the Pizza, Get the P Springs Vodka

It’s an interactive game of Monopoly. Its a board game with mini-games at the end of every turn. Mini-games are incredible and separate the winners from the losers. The thing is, Mario Party could last for an hour or 4 hours. Time stands still during the game. Every turn has significance and taunting your friends is at an all-time high. It is the best game, because it provides constant entertainment with the luck of the dice in traditional board games. Everyone has their “go to” mini game, but map knowledge and strategy could decide the winner in the end. I could play a 50 turn everyday of my life and it could be a religious experience, like mass, like Buddha himself is talking to me. The best part is, food is easy to eat when it is isn’t your turn and drinking is highly encouraged for a complete experience.

Drinking Game: Because I love to cherish every moment, I do not chug during game play, I just sit back relax and enjoy a mixed drink or beer. I guarantee you will be drunk by the end of the game.

May 19, 2011. Jads. Leave a comment.

Top Ten College Beers by chrispness

What makes a great college beer? When you’re down on cash you can still get the b.a.c. up, you can crush 20, goes down smooth, comes back up smooth. Done deal.

The list:

10. Labbat Blue

The last 22 years have not been kind

This is the wonderful company that first brought the world Pam Anderson back in 1989. Hard to believe shes been flashing her tits around since I was sucking on them. Not going to lie shes pretty much the only reason the blue made the list. Toss on some hockey (or CFL) and drain a few.

9. Molson Canadian

Bottom two holding it down for Canada. Solid taste, just bitter enough. Grab a bottle for those “special” occasions. I am not Canada, but I can’t hate this solid beer. They also have some of the steeziest packaging in the business.

8. Magic Hat #9

Even if it is flavored with apricot extract, #9 is a great ale. Broads get wet at the proposition of tossing back ‘hats, but a twelver will set you back a solid 20 bucks. Oh and you look like a woman with one in your hand.

7. Bud

Bud heavies, as American as apple pie. Kids have been murdering buds since the beginning of time. This classic only pulls a D+ rating on beeradvocate, but there’s nothing better to wash a burger or plate of wings down with.

6. Rolling Rock

A crisp extra pale ale that’s just a step up from your typical college 30 rack. It also might be the most confusing beer on the market, sporting a “33” on the label for no discernable reason. Some serious in depth research (and by that I mean 45 seconds on Wikipedia) reveals Rolling Rock was found in 1939 so that’s not why. Cash prize if you can tell me were the number comes from.

5. Busch

Another Anheuser-Busch beer, and much like natty this lager comes with a light taste and a cheap price tag. Some serious carbonation decreases chuggability. Beer advocate describes its smell as “body odor” and its taste as “Water. Corn. More water.” before handing out a less than stellar F.  But where Busch fails in taste or quality it more than makes up for in drinkability and can design, the thermometer on the front lets you know when its ready to drink.

4. PBR

actual chrispness family baby picture

Great taste for bottom shelf price. It pulls a solid B from beeradvocate.com. But don’t plan on drinking too many this lager is highly carbonated. Oh and don’t forget that just holding one you could land on this website www.latfh.com

3. Keystone light

get me this sign

Easy choice. This is another light lager from Coors Brewing Company. Very similar in taste and complexion to the silver bullet. I would be honored to go out in a keystone casket. The new can liner is meant to improve taste, but come on who are they trying to fool no one drinks stones for the taste.

2. Coors Light

See next caption

Lightly carbonated, extremely clear lager that really does taste as cold as the Rockies. That is if the Rockies have no taste. Coors light goes down like water, and due to relatively light carbonation is perfect for chugging. Its still solidly on the bottom shelf so don’t worry about breaking the bank. Cold activated cans ensure your brew is always frosty.

1. Natty Ice

Don’t they say a picture speaks 1000 words?

5.9% alcohol, 100% college. Ice is dirt-cheap and more alcohol content. Luckily for you it gets the job done quickly because I can’t make any promises about taste, it pulls a D- grade on beeradvocate.com.

May 19, 2011. chrispness. 3 comments.

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